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Q: I am a second-generation South Asian woman, and I'm in my mid thirties and single with a recently engaged older brother. We have a good relationship, and I've gotten closer to my future sister-in-law (FSIL) in the two years since he became open about her.
The dynamic in our parents' home has inevitably shifted, but it's unfavorable for me because of our dominating and emotionally volatile mom. She and FSIL act performatively, while I'm getting criticized in private for something I shouldn't have said and then expected to smile in photos - all while regulating my emotions and deep breathing instead of reacting. FSIL picks up on how Mom stresses me out, while Brother has become more of a mama's boy since his days of needing space.
Mom also has little empathy for my health issues, sensitivity and introversion, now that Brother is "finally" getting married and it's party time. My dad and I are both the quiet ones, but he's also sunken from Mom's bullying since retiring and can turn on me under her influence. I've tried to execute boundaries. She creates her own narratives: that I'm envious about being single, when I'm confident I will meet my person at the right time. What I'm actually upset about is her poor communication (i.e., yelling, berating) and low self-awareness.
I've been in therapy secretly since moving back home after grad school during the pandemic and that brought these issues to light. I am grateful I could move out when Brother introduced FSIL; we all live close by. I am also grateful for when I can go home and get a change of scenery from solo dwelling and be with just my parents - assuming Mom isn't going to unleash some old bomb.
Please help. These three fire signs want a Big Fat Indian Wedding, and I'm afraid of the wrath of the Shaadi-Zilla.
- Mom's Least Favorite
A: Group harmony is prioritized over individual well-being in collectivist, South Asian households. That's why your FSIL and mom are being "performative," or why your dad turns inward and gives in to your mom. It's probably also why your brother is leaning into his role as "mama's boy." But when a family's emotional nucleus - in this case, your mom - is "dominant" and "emotionally volatile," group harmony comes at a huge cost. Add in a looming Big Fat Indian Wedding, and it gets even more complicated.
While there are moments of joy and gratitude in your home life, it's also clear you are struggling to take care of yourself and efficiently set boundaries so you don't lose yourself in these relationships. Boundaries aren't about changing your family's behavior; they're about protecting your emotional bandwidth. You may wish your mom was less volatile, or your dad, brother or FSIL would be more supportive of you, but these wishes are not actual boundaries. Boundaries would be what you do to protect yourself in these situations.
As the wedding approaches, start to break down what boundaries can look like for you. Practical boundaries are the tangible, external limits you set, like how much time you spend with your family, getting your own place (which you did!) or how you communicate. Emotional boundaries, on the other hand, will be internal and more subtle; they often require more self-awareness. These can look like not forgoing your own needs just to keep the peace, allowing yourself to feel what you feel and compassionately detaching - or not taking on other people's feelings and problems as your own. Quieter boundaries can also be more productive in collectivist families that use a less direct communication style - something like choosing to say little in uncomfortable situations or subtly redirecting conversations.
And honestly, preparation is key. By anticipating potentially different stressful interactions, you can plan ahead and uphold your sense of autonomy rather than losing yourself in hurtful situations and relationships. This might mean having access to your own transportation so you aren't beholden to others', opting to stay in your own space rather than with family during wedding events or carving out time before, during and after events to decompress. I have an entire podcast episode on setting boundaries in immigrant families.
Ask your brother and FSIL for support and allyship. You say you are getting closer to your FSIL, I wonder if you can ask her to help buffer you when your mom starts building pressure. Or, have a 1:1 chat with your brother and say something like: "I'm so happy for you, and I want to support you and FSIL fully. I also need some space when things get overwhelming. Can we both be mindful that Mom's intensity can be triggering for me?"
Finally, consequences are a natural and important part of maintaining boundaries. If you aren't comfortable sticking with them or just want others to "get it" and show up differently, then that's a sign there may be other, deeper issues that need to be resolved - like codependency, fear of conflict or a lack of clarity around your own needs and values. Keep working through this with your therapist and find other safe relationships where you can self-advocate and explore who you are without being told who you are supposed to be.
Good luck!
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Sahaj Kaur Kohli is a therapist and the creator of Brown Girl Therapy.
Previously:
• I love my partner, but I also want to focus on my dreams
• My in-laws' visits last for months. I'm at my wit's end
• I'm dreading celebrating my emotionally manipulative mom's birthday