Jewish World Review June 15, 2004 / 25 Sivan, 5764
Iím rock hard thanks to lie-ercize
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Get a loada my knuckles. Hard. Jacked. Not an ounce of flab on 'em, thanks to Typercise.
As for the rest of my body, well, there are plenty of other new exercises out there. And, unlike Typercise, they're real.
For instance, a New York guy named Loren Bidner is teaching "Hooping" - the art of exercising with humongous Hula Hoops. "It is a total, 100% aerobic workout from the minute you start hooping," says the instructor, predicting big things for the big hoops. Right.
Then there are the "strippercise" classes taking off - so to speak - all over America. Women strut, pout and writhe their way to weight loss, simultaneously convincing the rest of us that maybe it is time for an Islamic fundamentalist revolution here.
Finally, over at Crunch, "A new thing we have is Bikini Boot Camp," says spokeswoman Renae Bluitt. "We encourage people to come to class in their bikini so they can get comfortable being in public."
Note: By the time you are comfortable exercising in your bikini in public you are ready for another class: Straitjackercize.
In the meantime, Crunch is offering the equally unappealing "Ride Karaoke," wherein students on stationary bikes sing hits from the 1980s. Or, as I call it: Hell on wheels.
Frankly, it seems pretty easy to come up with a new exercise. You just take something people are already doing - like eating - and add "ercise." Or say it's cardio-friendly. So how's about:
R.C. Colaerobics: Soda shopping? Don't just grab a Coke. Stretch waaaaaay down to reach the Royal Crown! Your abs will be glad - and so will your wallet!
Ikea Some Assembly Required-ercise: This mat-based regimen incorporates breathing, clenching, swearing, throwing, crying, banging and Phillips-head movements and is not recommended for anyone currently under medical or psychiatric care.
Lego Lifts: Step 1: Invite a child to play with Legos on your rug. Step 2: Have child leave after "cleaning up." Step 3: Remove your socks and run around. Yeow! Ouch! There's another one he missed! You're hopping your way to health!
Deep Plea Bends: Turn layoff sadness into fitness gladness! Next time you're pink-slipped, just get on your knees and plead for your job back, at reduced pay, without health benefits. Follow your boss home if you must, always on your knees. You may not get your job back but you will get your figure!
Big Spendercise: Guaranteed to boost heart rate. Arrive at strippercise class before it begins. Lower the lights. Chew a cigar. Get drunk. When the exercisers come in, try to stuff $20 bills in their sports bras. Run.
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