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Jewish World Review June 23, 2004 / 4 Tamuz, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Kerry-Gephardt meeting creates ominous black hole in universe

Could devour Earth, scientists fear | A meeting between presumptive Democratic nominee John Kerry and possible running mate Rep. Richard Gephardt (D-MO) has created a mysterious black hole in the universe that could eventually swallow Earth and all of its inhabitants, scientists said today.

Dr. Carlton Hong, an astrophysicist at the University of Minnesota, said that shortly after the two top Democrats sat down to talk, “pools of extremely low energy began to form” creating “what can only be described as a creepy, black-hole-like vacuum.”

Dr. Hong said that the black hole created by Messrs. Kerry and Gephardt now has a life of its own and threatens to devour the planet Earth and the rest of the solar system along with it.

“If Kerry picks Gephardt for the ticket, there is a distinct possibility that this black hole could expand and swallow the entire universe,” Dr. Hong said.

But shortly after Dr. Hong made his dire prediction, an aide to Rep. Gephardt said that the congressman remains “upbeat” about his chances of snagging the number two slot despite the ominous black hole he helped trigger.

“If Dick somehow helped created a black hole that threatens the universe, that’s the most exciting thing he’s ever done in his political career,” the aide said.

In other news from the world of science, NASA reported today that it has lost radio contact with Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH).

After three days of radio silence, officials at mission control fear a premature end to Mr. Kucinich’s campaign, which had been scheduled to last until the year 2030.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz