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Jewish World Review June 17, 2004 / 28 Sivan, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Michael Moore wins Tour de France

Lance Armstrong cries foul | The Gallic love-fest for filmmaker Michael Moore reached its apogee today as Mr. Moore snagged a controversial first-place finish in this year’s Tour de France.

The stunning victory for Mr. Moore in the world’s most famous bicycle race was particularly surprising because Mr. Moore is not known to have ever owned or even climbed upon a bicycle in his entire life.

But what made the win truly controversial was the fact that the Tour de France was not scheduled to begin until next month.

“In recognition of Mr. Moore’s contributions to the world of cinema and to the world in general, we felt it was only fair to give him a month’s head start,” said Tour de France spokesman Jean-luc Bourdieu. “Vive Michael Moore!”

But to five-time Tour de France winning cyclist Lance Armstrong, Mr. Moore’s victory in this year’s contest was no cause for celebration, as Mr. Armstrong told reporters today he “seriously doubted” that the easily-winded director had actually pedaled his way to the finish line.

“I don’t know Michael Moore, but he looks like the kind of guy who always takes the escalator,” Mr. Armstrong said.

Mr. Moore quickly fired back that Mr. Armstrong was part of a conspiracy to discredit him along with George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Michael Eisner, the Halliburton Company, the Saudi royal family and every member of Skull and Bones except John Kerry.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz