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Jewish World Review June 15, 2004 / 26 Sivan, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Clinton’s promise not to upstage Kerry upstages Kerry

Media descend upon Chappaqua, shunning nominee | Former President Bill Clinton’s promise not to upstage Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) has had precisely the opposite effect, as his promise garnered more press attention than the presumptive Democratic nominee for the third consecutive day.

Case in point: a Kerry campaign rally in Toledo, Ohio yesterday was attended by virtually no representatives of the media except for a lone stringer from a Japanese newspaper, who asked the candidate, “What can you tell us about President Clinton’s promise not to upstage you?”

A visibly angry Sen. Kerry ignored the reporter, thundering, “Where the [bleep] is everyone?” before a quick-thinking campaign aide unplugged his microphone.

The answer to Mr. Kerry’s question, it turned out, was Chappaqua, where hundreds of reporters staked out the former president’s home in the hopes of getting further comment about Mr. Clinton’s promise not to upstage Mr. Kerry.

Kerry campaign aides have been sensitive about the upstaging issue ever since a rally in Evanston, Illinois earlier this month in which the candidate was briefly upstaged by a plank of wood.

The pine two-by-four, which was leaning against the wall behind Mr. Kerry as he spoke, stole the audience’s attention away from the Massachusetts senator until it was spotted by sharp-eyed aides and removed.

Mr. Kerry briefly considered choosing the plank of wood as his running mate until advisers convinced him that the plank would upstage him.

Elsewhere, in the NBA finals, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant said he was “troubled” by the Lakers’ three losses to the Detroit Pistons because “it means that the side with the most money doesn’t always win.”

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz