Clicking on banner ads enables JWR to constantly improve
Jewish World Review June 14, 2004 / 25 Sivan, 5764

Andy Borowitz

Michael Barone
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
David Limbaugh
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports

Kerry arrested for stalking McCain

Arizona senator seeks restraining order | Washington, D.C. police arrested presumptive Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry yesterday after Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) complained that Mr. Kerry was “stalking” him in an attempt to persuade him to join the Democratic ticket.

Police officers apprehended Sen. Kerry as he was shimmying up a drainpipe on the outside of Sen. McCain’s Washington townhouse, attempting to gain access to a second-story window.

“John is a dear friend of mine, and I was flattered that he wanted me to join the ticket — at first,” Mr. McCain told reporters. “But over the past few weeks he has gotten downright creepy.”

Sen. McCain said that Sen. Kerry’s courtship of him started as a series of friendly phone conversations, but then the calls started coming more frequently and often in the middle of the night.

After Sen. McCain placed himself on a “do not call” list to fend off future entreaties from Sen. Kerry, the increasingly impetuous Democrat resorted to more desperate measures, even disguising himself as a Domino’s Pizza deliveryman.

Now that Sen. Kerry is in police custody and undergoing psychiatric evaluation, Sen. McCain can breathe easy — for the moment.

The Arizona senator confirmed today that he has requested a restraining order keeping Sen. Kerry at least one hundred yards away from him at all times.

For his part, Sen. Kerry told reporters that he remained “optimistic” about persuading Mr. McCain and that such a restraining order would not ultimately prevent the Arizona senator from joining the ticket.

Donate to JWR

Enjoy this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.


JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz