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Jewish World Review June 1, 2004 / 12 Sivan, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Kerry undecided on running mate, what to have for lunch

‘Don’t Rush Me,’ presumptive nominee tells Applebee’s waitress | While dining at an Applebee’s restaurant in Portland, Oregon yesterday, presumptive Democratic nominee John Kerry remained undecided on a running mate and what to have for lunch, campaign officials confirmed.

After brushing off reporters’ questions about potential running mates, Senator Kerry (D-Mass) refused to be pinned down on what he would be eating for lunch despite repeated attempts by his waitress, Jeannine Damico, to take his order.

“Don’t rush me!” Mr. Kerry thundered after Ms. Damico dropped by his table for the fourth time “just to see how he was doing.”

Mr. Kerry reportedly mulled the Applebee’s menu for a full twenty-five minutes before finally ordering his entree, the Crispy Orange Skillet, one of Applebee’s Skillet Sensations™.

The Bush campaign immediately jumped on the Applebee’s incident, using it in campaign ads to paint Mr. Kerry as too indecisive and wishy-washy to be President.

In the ads, a ghostly, echoing voice asks the question, “May I take your order, Mr. Kerry?” to which, ominously, there is no response.

Shortly after the ads aired, Mr. Kerry moved swiftly to defuse the controversy over his lunch order at Applebee’s.

“Choosing a running mate may be the most important decision a president has to make, but ordering lunch is also crucial,” Sen. Kerry told reporters. “I am confident that in ordering the Crispy Orange Skillet, I made the right decision.”

In other news, the major networks defended their decision not to air President Bush’s foreign policy speech on Iraq Monday night, arguing that it was not reality TV.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz