Jewish World Review May 30, 2002 / 19 Sivan, 5762

Ian Shoales

Ian Shoales
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
David Limbaugh
Michelle Malkin
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
MUGGER
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports

Pooches in sharkskin suits and the end of dog tags


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | According to the Associated Press, last December, over three and a half million pets have now been implanted with microchips. "When a pet is brought to a shelter or clinic," the article stated, "workers can use a handheld scanner to read the chip's number. A computer database then matches the pet's owner, medical history an other pertinent information."

These chips have had other uses as well. When a football player from the Philadelphia Eagles abandoned his 3-month-old puppy last year, the SPCA and police traced the microchip to the pet shop where the dog was purchased, and the player was arrested. Whether his trial was shown simultaneously on Animal Planet and Court TV, I do not know.

The larger significance of this? The dog tag will soon go the way of Kenny, Oprah's Book Club, and Penthouse Magazine. Instead of a metal disc announcing to the world that our dog's name is Fluffy and he lives on Elm Street and, yes, he's had his shots, we have now miniaturized that information and stuck it under the dog's skin where it can only be accessed by the Proper Authorities possessing the Proper Equipment.

Even as we give our animal friends the equivalent of an unlisted number, we are pampering them at a level heretofore only achieved by ancient Egyptian princesses.

In March, 2002, the San Francisco non-profit, PAWS (Pets Are Wonderful Support), which helps those with debilitating diseases care for their pets, held its annual fund-raising event, "Petchitecture, an auction offering fanciful pet homes created by local designers."

Called "The Pedigree of Pet Palaces," it showcased a variety of habitats, from "the Martha Stewart-inspired K-9 Cabana to the Airstream Dogabout." Others included "Chateau Fideau, constructed from an aged oak wine barrel....; the Pup Tent; the Lean on Tower, inspired by Dr. Seuss and Alice in Wonderland; and Cats Cradle." Three of these mini-mansions were pre-sold for $2,000 each. Buyers included Elizabeth Taylor and Esprit founder Susie Tompkins.

And what is the modern canine house dwellers wearing? Last December, USA WEEKEND informed me that "(d)iscerning four-leggers have cashmere sweaters, faux fur jackets, three-piece sits, fluffy pajamas and, at holiday time, elf and Santa suits in their closets."

I learned that Karen Thompson, owner of Karens for People + Pets, "a high-end boutique and salon in Manhattan," who numbers among her customers, "Mariah Carey, composer Marvin Hamlisch and handbag maven Kate Spade," offers a pet bag in real crocodile for $4000. (Or, if you're budget-conscious, you can get a faux version for a mere $350.)

Even top designers like Gucci, Louis Vuitton and Salvatore Ferragamo now offer pet items. You can buy a shopping tote with matching jacket for $400. You can even purchase a lizard skin leash and collar set for $240 ($400 for alligator).

I had a dog when I was a boy that used to chase lizards. I had no idea what he would have done had he actually caught one. Now I know: he would have trotted over to his tailor and turned it into a nice suit of clothes.

This spring a brochure for an upscale Manhattan kennel came into my hands. It is called Biscuits & Bath Doggy Village, a "30,000 square foot center dedicated to doggies and their parents!" Features include a lap pool, indoor running field, and gift boutique. Oh, and Friday nights there's live blues and jazz. "Sip some wine and munch on snacks while your dog runs and plays with some canine buddies."

Our canine buddies might not have tags as they howl along with a Vince Guaraldi tune, but we'll still recognize them. Why, there's Snoopy now. Can't miss him, really. He's over there, in the fedora, wraparound shades, and alligator boots, with the mortgage papers wagging out the back of his sharkskin suit.



JWR contributor Ian Shoales is the author of, among others, Not Wet Yet: An Anthology of Commentary. Comment by clicking here.

Up

05/22/02: We baby boomers used to rule the roost
05/20/02: The Files now Ex
05/14/02: Entangled in Spider-Man's web!?
05/02/02: April Showers May Come Our Yadda Yadda
04/24/02: From child murderer to milk hawker
04/10/02: New realities
03/21/02: You did it your way? I have to kill you now!
03/14/02: IN THIS CORNER … SUSAN LUCCI AND STEPHANIE ZYMALIST!
03/12/02: Life in the warehouse
01/28/02: Shoes and food
01/24/02: Suspension of disbelief has nothing to do with whether we accept something as real or not
01/22/02: Save the Grand Ole Opry?
12/15/01: If you truly want to appeal to the lowest common denominator …
12/11/01: KNITTING!
12/07/01: Conspiracy by the 'fat suit' lobby?
12/04/01: The future of comic books
11/15/01: Literary tips in a jar
11/12/01: The ectoplasm of a ghost economy
11/05/01: Sumner Redstone's passions
10/31/01: My irony
10/29/01: Even in wartime, America can still bring it home
10/25/01: Ad memories
10/17/01: Pathetic me
10/08/01: War time lite
10/01/01: Confessions of a sarcastic scribe
09/11/01: The end of Mom
09/07/01: Boy Loses Girl, Boy Bites Girl, Boy Gets Girl
09/05/01: Virtual elegance?
08/31/01: I COPY, THEREFORE I AM
08/28/01: Buzz!
08/23/01: Radio workout
08/20/01: I robot, you Jane
08/15/01: A wild and crazy world!
08/10/01: When the future was "as real as a dime"
08/08/01: Garage Dearth!
08/06/01: That Big Clock
08/02/01: Stop the pop!
07/31/01: Catchphrase history of the world
07/26/01: The Bride of Science
07/23/01: That java jive
07/17/01: Homogenized hegemony
07/13/01: Applying Newton's First Law of Physics to textbooks
07/10/01: The dumb and the dead

© 2001, Ian Shoales