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Jewish World Review June 1, 2001 / 10 Sivan, 5761

Barry Rabin

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Consumer Reports

Steamy Summer [Financial] Fiction!!! -- ISN’T that how publications entice you into snagging them from the newsstands this time of year?

Hey, I can deliver that if they can! So in the interest of providing you – my esteemed readers – with some sexy at-the-beach reading for the coming summer months, I hereby present my own humble piece of hot-buttered untruth.

But one caveat: Since I’ve just spent the entire past month reading nothing but finance and economics books (in a semi-futile attempt to figure out this squirrelly economy and these roller-coaster stock markets), you may find the following oh-so-sexy offering to be colored just a bit by my recent reading list. So here we go:


It was just past dark when the silver Daimler-Chrysler-merged Mercedes-Benz entered the streets of the exclusive Federal Reserve district of the city. He, an investment banker in search of summer romance; she, a securities analyst with one of the big-name stock-broking firms.

She directed him to turn the corner onto Greenspan Street, where he soon spotted her building in the middle of the rich, exclusive block. An odd lot, he thought, as he surveyed the property. As he followed her eagerly up the winding stairway to apartment 401(k), he observed her low back-end load admiringly.

They both wondered in anticipation what lay in store for them.

She wondered: Did he really have interest in her account? Or was he the type to attempt a forced merger? Suddenly she felt her stomach churning faster than an unscrupulous broker handling an elderly client’s account.

Staring at her comely figure rising up the stairs like an inflationary wage-price spiral, he smiled as he in turn wondered: Would there be a tender offer? Or how would she respond if a hostile takeover were mounted? He hoped that his Return On Investment (ROI) for the expensive restaurant he’d taken her to would be positive.

She unlocked the door and led him into the spacious apartment, letting down her long, brown tresses, streaming like the interest and principal payments on a GNMA mortgage-backed security. She took off her wrap-around and stared at him seductively for a long moment.

"Can I offer you something hot?" she asked, smiling.

But before he had time to exercise an option on coffee, she had her arms wrapped around him like a variable annuity, only showing a lot more interest. He felt her lips pressed tightly against his, and soon they were pressed together naked on the luxurious Persian carpet (purchased when the foreign exchange rate was 10% more favorable), inverted like a Treasury yield curve after an increase in short-term interest rates.

She found herself wondering briefly whether this was common with him, or if he really preferred her. Could this really lead to a Relationship? If so, would it be Long-Term, Short-Term or Intermediate-Term?

But soon such thoughts had evaporated like so many capital gains, as she felt his persistent inflationary pressure. His morals might be as nil as the yield on a bad tech stock, but she just didn’t care about his fundamentals anymore. This was not about principal, it was about pure, undiluted lust!

He wondered about her, until, feeling her awkward lovemaking and odd, jerky body movements, it suddenly hit him: This was her Initial Public Offering!!!

Soon their bodies were moving up and down faster than the Standard & Poors 500 Index, their passion heating up like the U.S. Government bond market in an uncertain investment environment. Before he knew what was happening, he found himself in the midst of a deep recession.

"I LOVE YOU, IRA ROTH!!!" she screamed, digging her nails into his hairy chest.

And then, suddenly, their markets peaked! She felt his powerful body slowly relax, like a Fed monetary policy easing. He let out a sigh as she lay there holding him close to her, experiencing his deflationary environment.


He awoke early the next morning to see her soft, unclothed body fast asleep, draped across the flowered Martha Stewart sheets (NYSE ticker symbol "MSO") she’d purchased at K-mart (NYSE ticker symbol "KM").

Then he rolled over like an IRA conversion, kissed her on the cheek, and quietly left for work.


JWR contributor Barry Rabin is a lawyer and humor writer (REALLY!). Comment by clicking here.


05/18/01 Let Ballplayers Pay To Watch ME Work!
05/03/01 At last, a discount Ivy League college!
04/27/01 The next depression could be great!

© 2001, Barry Rabin