Groucho and I and the Race for 2028

No one, however, seems to have ever thought that. Admittedly, I am brain-damaged, with the dents in my skull to prove it. But clearly a president's cognitive condition only matters to about half of the electorate. If that. I've also been incarcerated twice. Once for — I swear — aiding and abetting a loiterer. And once for not making a left-hand turn out of a left-hand turn lane. Obviously, these aren't infractions that get solid citizens jailed. But I've rehabilitated myself, and you can be sure any crimes I commit in the future will be worthy of at least a mayor or a member of Congress.

Unfortunately, I look more like someone who'd aid and abet a loiterer than someone who should be president. Though I do resemble one particular president — think Franklin Pierce on a bad day. If you can picture that, you probably know more about our presidents than most of our recent presidents. If you even knew that Franklin Pierce was president, you know more than a couple of them.

Personally, I don't believe a candidate's appearance should affect their electability. In any case, I'd be happy to promise that, if elected, I'd keep out of sight. I think voters would go for that. It would give me an air of mystery. And it'd be safer. I'd use focus groups to select the most appropriate-looking spokesperson, unless Oprah would do it.

As for my policies, I'd probably have some. How about:

— With any idiot being allowed to have kids, too many idiots do. This is child abuse. Couples expecting babies will be required to pass a rigorous parenting course. If they fail three times, their children, as teenagers, can choose other parents. This should delight both the teenagers and the original parents.

— To limit campaign contributions, politicians who accept donations in excess of $50 will be required to wear large, brightly colored patches on their clothing — like race car drivers — revealing the donor and the amount.

— Since few nominees tell the truth, Supreme Court confirmation hearings will be abolished. Instead, we'll have a month in which anyone may offer complaints about the nominee, followed by a month of investigation. Then, a top prosecutor and a top defense attorney will each have two evenings to present their case on prime-time TV. Judge Judy will preside, and the country will vote.

— The next time a Texas governor threatens to secede from the United States, it will not only be permitted, but mandatory. Austin can stay.

— No one will be allowed to wear plaid, except for card-carrying lumberjacks.

Obviously, these commonsense policies would be a big hit with the electorate. I could develop the rest of my WTHIW (Whatever The Hell I Want) agenda as a post-election surprise.

Running for president would be fun, and it would really boost my book sales. It's a great career move. I just don't think I could ever bring myself to do it. Groucho Marx said he wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have him as a member. Me, I wouldn't want to live in any country that could elect me as president. In America, we brag that anybody can be president. Maybe we need a higher standard.

Barry's been incarcerated twice. Once for not making a lefthand turn out of a lefthand turn lane, and once for aiding and abetting a loiterer. He's deeply repentant.