Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Original Sin author Jake Tapper called the White House cover-up of President Biden's cognitive decline a scandal bigger than Watergate. The author anchors the CNN nightly newscast which trails badly in ratings. Until his book came out, I thought Tapper was Bill Clinton's Secret Service code name.

• U.S. Olympic gymnastics legend and 1984 Gold medalist Mary Lou Retton faces charges of drunk driving after she was pulled over and arrested in West Virginia this past weekend. They gave Mary Lou a breathalyzer test and she blew a .08. She would've blown a .10 but the cop was from the Soviet Union.

• The Arizona Republic reports that four 5th grade schoolboys in Phoenix were suspended from school pending expulsion. The local police broke up their plot to lure a classmate into an outside bathroom and murder him. It proves once and for all that the Arizona cops are smarter than a 5th grader.

• WNBA teams report that hostile fans are engaging in racist heckling to the point where booing is now considered racist by the WNBA. I know exactly what the players are experiencing on the court. The only time I ever sang onstage at a karaoke bar, even white people were chanting Kill the Boer!

• The Beverly Hills Hotel Peace Talks is a new play about a 1968 parley between Arabs and Jews angry over Barbra Streisand being paired with Omar Sharif in Funny Girl. The hotel embraces all cultures. The Polo Lounge serves a chocolate pie so dark and so rich one of the Kardashians married it.

• Daily Variety reports Kim Kardashian completed her legal studies and is now qualified to take the California bar exam and practice law. Kim just missed today's big celebrity trial. Her father Bob Kardashian got O.J. Simpson off, but testimony indicates Kim will have to stand in line to get P. Diddy off.

• Elon Musk bid goodbye to DOGE and government work Tuesday as his 120 days expired. His work affected all of us. My accountant told me to cut down on my spending after he noticed I was paying $12 a six-pack for Mexican Coca-Colas, so I torched his Ford and painted a swastika on the hood.

• President Trump insisted Tuesday that the deal letting Nippon Steel bail out U.S. Steel will leave it under American control. I'm impressed. We spent all day Memorial Day defeating the Japanese on Turner Classic Movies, and for Japan to save U.S. Steel the next day is nothing if not good sportsmanship.

• The Court of International Trade nullified Trump's tariffs on China, Canada and Mexico. U.S. District judges are blocking Trump's deportation order. Say all you want about democracy, but it seems like we got more things fast-tracked in this country when we were ruled by a Mad English King.

• President Trump's Golden Dome missile defense system was ripped by Russia, China and North Korea as destabilizing. Kim Jung Un claims North Korea has a missile that can get to L.A. in 40 minutes. That is, unless it arrives in L.A. during rush hour, then you have to add 2 hours until it reaches the target.

• President Trump addressed reporters last weekend and he threatened to slap a 25% tariff on all smart phones made in China and South Korea. It resulted in retail chaos in L.A. I decided to have a little fun so I dressed up in tan khaki slacks and a blue shirt and went to Best Buy, threw a fit and quit.

• Starbucks this week added stars on the Customer Loyalty cards toward free drinks if customers bring a refillable cup. Last weekend, at the insistence of my date, I went into a Starbucks for the first time ever. I'm still not sure if the woman in line ahead of me was ordering a drink or casting a spell.

• Harmony Health Care said Americans now spend six hours a day on their phones. Twenty years ago, the Internet was an escape from the real world, and nowadays the real world is an escape from the Internet. I went out to lunch on Wednesday and I felt like I was cheating on my Chinese crypto grifters.

• U.S. Olympic gymnastics legend and 1984 Gold medalist Mary Lou Retton faces charges of drunk driving after she was pulled over by cops in West Virginia last weekend. Her performance in the field sobriety test was spectacular. Mary Lou performed a perfect double-flip and dismount on the Jim Beam.

• Kansas City Chief Travis Kelce is reported set to get engaged to superstar Taylor Swift. His story is an inspiration for every school boy in America. If you train hard and work hard, play hard and become a Super Bowl-winning tight end who makes the quarterback look good, you too can marry a Six.

• Tom Brady wants to play QB for the 2028 Olympic flag football team, a sport where you tackle by grabbing the flag on their hips. It's a very popular boy-girl college intramural sport. Flag football teaches college girls the joy of playing football and teaches college boys some career-ending office skills.

• Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced Thursday he is cracking down on the epidemic of Chinese espionage in the U.S. by revoking thousands of student visas for Chinese students. The consequences are real. It looks like American kids will have to start cheating off the Indian students now.

• Field and Stream forecast that 57 million Americans will go fishing this year, including deep sea fishing. The Florida Times Union reports that a Florida family of four went marlin fishing in a charter boat recently and caught a 56-pound bale of cocaine. Watch for the Disney film, Finding Kilo.

• Elon Musk ended his government fraud probe Thursday with DOGE claiming to cut $1 trillion, found $175 billion, and the House budget bill cuts $9 billion. The Swamp wore him down. Elon is leaving DOGE to tour fire departments and thank them for putting out as many Teslas as they could.

• Boeing announced it will begin delivering airliners again to China next month. They must have looked past all the safety issues. When it comes to U.S. trade with Asia, there couldn't be a better example of our Open Door

• Policy than by selling airliners to China whose doors might fly open any time. Politico says world leaders are worried about visiting Trump in the Oval Office after his smack down of South Africa's and Ukraine's leader. It could be worse. I just figured out how Mikhail Gorbachev got that red spot on his forehead, he used to be married to French President Macron's wife.

• Harvard President Garber addressed graduates and ripped Trump for targeting foreign student protestors that attacked Jewish students and Chinese student spies. Trump's defending the Jews and attacking the Chinese. So Harvard can't say Trump is Hitler but they have a good case for Trump is Tojo.

• The Supreme Court will rule on Trump's tariff declaration on China, Mexico and Canada over Fentanyl. The TV warnings are so hysterical it makes rebellious young people want to try it. The ads warn that it's cheap, insanely popular, 100 times more potent than heroin and it pairs well with Red Bull.

• Health and Human Services Secretary Bobby Kennedy declared the Covid vaccine is no longer recommended for healthy children and pregnant women. Also, HHS canceled federal funding for Moderna to develop vaccines to battle Bird Flu. The shot does provide immunity, but only for Moderna.

• The Honolulu Advertiser reported the Hawaii legislature just passed a law that slaps a surcharge tax on every hotel room bill to battle climate change. The media is ecstatically reporting that Hawaii has just become the first state to charge a Green Fee to tourists. Hey Jamaica has been doing it for years.

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