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Q: My two adult daughters have always had a fraught relationship, and it seems to be getting worse. My 75th birthday is coming up, and the younger one says she won't attend if her older sister is there. Worse, she says that if I don't tell her sister not to come, it means I'm "choosing her like I always do." I don't believe I've ever favored one daughter over the other - though, to be honest, the older one has always been easier to get along with. My dilemma is that if I move forward with the party, one of them is going to feel hurt.
A: Sibling tensions, rivalries and estrangements can persist well into adulthood, often drawing parents into conflicts they believed their children had long outgrown. When adult children clash, especially around emotionally charged events like a milestone birthday, it helps to look beyond surface disagreements and consider the deeper emotional histories and family dynamics at play.
Parents have to understand that they have limited ability to influence or improve relationships between their adult children. As children grow, they develop their own personalities, make their own choices and follow paths that can pull them in different directions. Even in emotionally attuned families, siblings can drift apart - or in some cases, grow actively hostile.
• Choose the right moment
Start by telling him you have something you would like to discuss and ask if this is a good time. If he says no, ask when would be and don't accept never as a reasonable answer.
• Consider different dispositions
Sometimes what we experience as difficult behavior in others is tied to underlying and partly inherited dispositions. Research on the Big Five personality traits - particularly neuroticism - can offer insight. For example, people high in the trait of neuroticism tend to be more emotionally reactive, more prone to anxiety, and more likely to dwell on perceived slights or injustices, which may be the case with your younger daughter.
At the same time, high neuroticism in parents can shape family dynamics in ways that are easy to miss. Parents who struggle with anxiety or emotional reactivity may - without realizing it - respond inconsistently or become more emotionally entangled with one child than another. When one sibling is easier to parent, that difference alone can unintentionally reinforce feelings of exclusion or comparison in the more sensitive sibling.
• Aim for fairness
Research on differential treatment in siblings shows that when children perceive favoritism - real or imagined - it can have long-term effects on their mental health, including increased risks of depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. It can also damage their relationships with each other well into adulthood.
The perception of unequal treatment can be just as impactful as actual differences in the parent's behavior. From that perspective, a parent can reasonably believe they treated their children equally, while a child can credibly feel that they didn't receive the same kind of care or attention, based on how they interpret and experience the world.
This highlights the separate realities nature of family life: Each of us views the other through the lens of our inherited temperament, birth order, similarity to our parents and how others outside of the family view us.
• Show empathy
Separate realities also explain why conflicts between parents and children seem confusing for parents - a parent may not have done anything they consider unfair, and yet a child's experience of being hurt is real and deserves empathy. It's also why trying to convince your younger daughter that she's wrong to feel hurt will only deepen her sense of feeling misunderstood.
Instead, it's more constructive to show empathy - not for the facts of the situation, but for the emotions behind them.
• Actively listen and respond
Given that, I would counsel you to say: "In my heart, I've always felt that I loved you both equally. But it's clear I didn't always show you that in ways you could feel. Listening to how you felt excluded or slighted, I can understand why you see it that way. I'm really sorry - and I'm open to hearing more about how I may have contributed to you feeling hurt, unseen, or unloved."
After showing an openness to your child's feedback, and that you care about their experiences in the family, you can gently pivot to a proposed solution of the conflict. For example, I advised my patient to say:
"I don't think that excluding your sister from my 75th birthday is the right way to address those feelings. You're both invited, and I want nothing more than to have you there. But if it's too upsetting to be in the same room, I understand - and maybe we can find another time or way to celebrate together."
• Try not to take sides
When one adult child wants you to take a stand against the other, it's okay to acknowledge your limits. You might say, "I don't feel like I have that kind of influence over her at this point, and I worry that trying to manage her behavior directly might only make things worse."
Respond with empathy rather than agreement. You don't have to take sides to be supportive. Listening with warmth, interest, and without judgment can be more powerful than it seems.
And if this kind of conversation feels too loaded, consider getting the help of a family therapist.
Ultimately, parents cannot control how their children feel - but they can control how they respond. By offering empathy and inviting a connection without conditions, parents can show the depths of their care. But a parent's influence has limits. What your adult children choose to do in response is ultimately up to them - however much you wish things were different.
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Joshua Coleman, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in the Bay Area and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. His newest book is "Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict." Buy it in hardcover at a 44% discount! by clicking here or order in KINDLE edition at a 22% discount by clicking here. Sales help fund JWR.)
Previously:
• Radical acceptance can help build emotional resiliency
• A psychologist explains how a new in-law can tear a family apart
• The heartbreak of parent-child estrangement, and how to cope