Pack It In, Parents

Got a mule handy? Great! Because I've been flipping through old parenting magazines I should throw out already, looking for valuable advice.

Instead, here's what I found: a list of items one article suggests you take along if you're traveling to, say, your brother-in-law's house for a long weekend with your baby:

—A portable crib

—A baby monitor

—Stair gates

—Covers for faucets

—Covers for door handles

—Plastic zip ties to secure cabinets

—An inflatable tub

—A night light

If that's too much to "lug," the magazine suggests you do the sane thing and just get on the plane with some diapers and a zip-close bag of Cheerios.

No, no. It doesn't really say that. It REALLY suggests that when you get to your destination you RENT all that equipment, right down to the door handle covers.

Why?

Apparently because your child cannot SURVIVE for a couple of days without an INFLATABLE TUB, especially if your in-laws are among the many Americans without a sink.

And of course, without a monitor your kid would cry for DAYS on end and you'd be none the wiser. And you are completely incapable of saying, "Don't touch!" and instead must personally zip-tie shut every single cabinet in that home you are going to spend such a relaxing couple of days at. (And your brother-in-law will really appreciate this when he goes to get breakfast and can't open the cereal cabinet.) And by the way, without door handle covers on the doors, G od knows what would happen. (G od: "It's not that big a deal!" Magazine: "Is, too!")

THAT is precisely the point of this article and so many others in the parenting magazine world that suggest you take two tons of hats, snacks and "rash guards" to the beach, and day tents on picnics, and highchair covers to restaurants: Your children cannot SURVIVE without mountains of merchandise, even for a single weekend, because...

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Well, apparently just because. Even the reporter couldn't think of anything to say in defense of all this stuff, and thus ended up lamely insisting you bring a portable crib because — and I quote — "the floor is not safe."

Not safe? The FLOOR is not safe? Because a kid could roll off and... and fall into another dimension? If you aren't living in a scorpion-infested room for the weekend (and if you are, I'm not sure if what to pack is your first concern) there is nothing safer than the floor. Put a blanket down, make a little wall out of pillows and if THAT's not safe, well then, a portable crib is a virtual pit of terror. What if the bottom falls out? What if your baby gnaws through the rails? What if a wild puma jumps in before the scorpions sting it?

Hey — maybe that's an article for next month's issue: "Puma-Proof Your Portable Crib!" To be safe, it would say, just make sure it has a tin roof, is ringed with cowbells and a has touch-free jetpack that blasts the crib off the floor upon the puma's approach.

And if you don't have one, rent one.