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Jewish World Review May 28, 2004 / 8 Sivan, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Gore nabbed outside White House with megaphone

Calls On 2,000 government functionaries to resign | The White House was the scene of a tense standoff last night as former Vice President Al Gore climbed up a tree on Pennsylvania Avenue and started demanding that over two thousand government functionaries immediately resign.

“Office of Management and Budget Director Joshua B. Bolten should resign! United States Trade Representative Robert B. Zoellick should resign!” Mr. Gore shrieked. “Secretary of Agriculture Ann M. Veneman should resign!”

After receiving many complaints from neighbors, the police were dispatched to remove Mr. Gore from the tree, but to no avail.

“We sent a couple of patrol cars down there and basically told him to move on, dot org,” said police spokesman Charles Brill. “That’s when he threatened to jump.”

After Mr. Gore vowed to leap from the tree if Steven R. Blust, the Chairman of the Federal Maritime Commission did not resign, the police brought in an outside negotiator to defuse the mounting crisis: former Vermont Governor Howard Dean.

In an attempt to remind the former Vice President of all the people who cared about him, Gov. Dean used a megaphone to scream a list of the states Mr. Gore carried in 2000.

“California!” Mr. Dean shouted. “New York! Massachusetts! Iowa! New Mexico! Oregon!”

The stalemate finally ended around 2 AM when the two men’s megaphones ran out of batteries and Mr. Gore sheepishly climbed down from the tree.

In a brief statement to reporters, Mr. Gore said, “What the world needs now is a solar-powered megaphone, and that is what I will invent next.”

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz