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Jewish World Review May 4, 2004 / 13 Iyar, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Iraqi general gets ‘Queer Eye’ makeover

Saddam loyalist to look less like Saddam | The U.S. military command in Iraq has ordered former Iraqi Maj. Gen. Jasim Mohammed Saleh to undergo what it called a “Queer Eye” makeover to make the former Saddam Hussein loyalist look less like Saddam Hussein, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff confirmed today.

In an interview with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, General Richard Myers said that the U.S. had been ready to transfer authority over the city of Fallujah to General Saleh “until someone at headquarters pointed out that he looked creepily like Saddam.”

In explaining the Joint Chiefs’ misgivings about General Saleh, General Myers said, “We felt that giving military authority to a gentleman who could basically take Saddam’s date to the prom without her suspecting anything was, under the circumstances, ill advised.”

After an intense round of discussions at the Pentagon, the U.S. decided to order a so-called “Queer Eye” makeover for the former evildoer, dropping style guru Carson Kressley into Fallujah by parachute.

In a conversation with reporters today, Mr. Kressley said he had urged General Saleh to shave his Hussein-like moustache and ditch his Republican Guard uniform in favor of a tailored suit by the German designer Jill Sander.

“I took one look at that Republican Guard uniform, and said, ‘WMD – Wrong Men’s Designer,’” Mr. Kressley quipped.

Mr. Kressley said that although General Saleh was resistant at first to his “Queer Eye” makeover, by the end of the process the fascist and the fashionista had “totally bonded.”

“I have no idea what a Baath Party is, but I like the sound of it,” Mr. Kressley said.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz