Jewish World Review May 28, 2003 / 26 Iyar, 5763

Lloyd Garver

JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports

These writers don't monkey around | For the past week or so, the press has been reporting that monkeys are not as good at writing plays as humans. Surprisingly, the experiment that yielded this startling result was not paid for by United States taxpayers. Researchers at Plymouth University in England were behind this one. The idea was to test the old saying that if you give an infinite number of typewriters to an infinite number of randomly typing monkeys, they will eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare.

This famous supposition supposedly demonstrates the role of chance in evolution and the creative process. However, when six monkeys at the Paignton Zoo were given a computer for a month, they didn't come up with Shakespeare. They didn't come up with a single word. All they produced were five unintelligible pages. This result has been perceived by many as proof of monkeys' inferiority to humans. I don't see it that way, and think the monkeys deserve another chance.

I admit that the six hairy writers Elmo, Gum, Heather, Holly, Mistletoe, and Rowan did not write a single play in a month. But what does that prove? Would anyone seriously suggest that Shakespeare wrote his plays in the very first month that he was given the opportunity to write? Like all writers, he probably wrote a lot of gibberish in the beginning, too.

Then there is the issue of six monkeys and only one computer. Would Shakespeare have come up with his plays if five other writers had been fighting him for use of his quill? Isn't it possible that Holly might have been the monkey who was good at dialogue, but was pushed aside by Heather, who just got the typing job because she was good-looking?

The most unfair aspect of the experiment was that the monkeys were not given the same incentives that human writers have. Writers need pressure. There was no gorilla of a producer, editor, or network executive standing over the monkeys, saying that they wouldn't eat unless they wrote something good. There wasn't a more successful writer monkey in the cage next door who always seems to get the good jobs just because of his connections.

Did these monkey writers come from dysfunctional families? Had they been politically, religiously, or sexually oppressed? Had they been through tragic love affairs? Had they been told, over and over again, that there's no chance that they would succeed? Did they get kicked out of school by a mean fifth-grade teacher who should have given me, I mean, them one more chance? Writers are often inspired by a desire to prove wrong those who doubted them. Were the monkeys given this motivation? No, they weren't.

Many people feel that procrastination is a necessary part of the writing process. Hemingway supposedly sharpened dozens of pencils before he would start writing. Some current writers check their e-mail repeatedly, make unnecessary phone calls, and re-arrange their desktops before they begin writing. Were the monkeys taught that they should arrange their bananas in perfect little stacks before they try to produce literature? No, they weren't.

So, the only fair thing to do would be to repeat the experiment. Give the monkeys more time. Let them use their past struggles. Teach them how to rationalize watching SportsCenter one more time before beginning the next paragraph. Have a pretty actress monkey sashay into their cage and tell the monkey writers that they're geniuses. They'll start writing.

Maybe it won't be Shakespeare, but given a fair chance, I see no reason why these monkeys won't be able to grind out TV reality shows. Unless they're already more evolved than that.

Enjoy this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR contributor Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from "Sesame Street" to "Family Ties" to "Frasier." He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover. Comment by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


05/19/03: Testing the water
05/13/03: New car hell
05/05/03: Bed and breakfast bewilderment
04/28/03: Sexy? That's a laugh!
04/10/03: When 'all A's' isn't good enough
04/04/03: A kibosh on complaining
03/13/03: Cut those billionaires some slack
03/05/03: Will they ever run out of celebs? The pols hope not!
02/26/03: Unfortunately, we can hear you now
02/19/03: Just say what you mean

© 2003, Lloyd Garver