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Q: I work in retail at a big-box store. A female cashier has been stalking and harassing me for nearly five years.
I started avoiding her in the summer of 2020, after she made an inappropriate comment to me about claiming my son as hers. At first, she would say, "Really?" A couple of times she yelled things like: "Sure. Go ahead and ignore me!" I interpreted that as: "You'll be sorry."
A year later, after she left her station unattended and followed me out to the parking lot, I finally reported her to management. I know I shouldn't have waited so long, but I was embarrassed.
Then she began showing up around my department in her off time. Once she drove right behind where I was helping load a customer's vehicle and gave me a nasty look. Another time she used her vehicle to block the area where I was getting ready to leave.
I kept reporting her. The store manager spoke to her, but she denied everything and claimed we were friends.
After that, she left me alone for a few months. I heard she was harassing another male store associate during that time. Unfortunately, she has since resumed stalking me and has not let up. Earlier this year, she came by as I was clocking out and followed me into a nearby grocery store. Today at work, she yelled at me: "You need to grow up!"
By this point, I have reported her to three different store managers. They all seem to think I am picking on her. The first wanted me to transfer, accused me of not letting go of the matter, and suggested I take time off and get counseling.
The second was told by a co-worker that she had witnessed the cashier watching me from another aisle. Without discussing it with me, that manager said the cashier would not be allowed to work in my department at the same time as me. But that didn't last long.
The third manager told me the company requires the person feeling uncomfortable to transfer. That manager also said I could file a restraining order on her for the grocery store incident, but not for anything at our workplace.
Unfortunately, most of society seems to think only women get stalked and harassed, and the only men who get treated like that are celebrities.
I have been searching for another job but gave up after facing age discrimination. I would appreciate any advice.
Karla: I believe you, and I am so sorry this is happening to you.
When your colleague first realized you were avoiding her, she had several options. She could have asked if she had done something to offend you and apologized, or she could have shrugged and followed your lead on ignoring each other except for polite work interactions. But escalating to following, watching and goading you is unhealthy, antisocial and possibly dangerous. It's past time your employer intervened, especially if she's been doing it to other men.
According to the Centers for Disease Control's most recent National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (from 2016-17, updated April 2022), one in three women and one in six men say they have experienced stalking, defined as anything from unwanted following and approaching to online harassment and implied threats of physical harm. Men report being stalked mostly by acquaintances - friends, neighbors, co-workers - who can be male or female, while women are most often stalked by current or former intimate partners, mostly male.
Both men and women in your situation face similar challenges: They're obligated to remain in close daily proximity with an antagonist while being disbelieved, gaslighted or dismissed by untrained or uncaring authorities who just want the problem to go away. Plus, you're swimming against the statistical norm, weighed down by a cultural narrative that men "can't be" or "shouldn't feel" threatened by women who are actively targeting them.
But norms and narratives don't matter. You're entitled to a safe, harassment-free working environment, equal protection under the law, and equal access to support. So my general advice for you is the same as for anyone in your situation, regardless of gender.
• Read up on your rights
I am, to put it mildly, skeptical of your manager's claim that it's company policy to make harassment targets do the transferring, or that you have to put up with workplace behavior that qualifies for a restraining order outside the job. Even if you don't feel safe going to HR, you can get hold of your employee handbook and learn what the expectations are for employee behavior and conflict resolution. You should also research harassment rules on the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission's website, as well as stalking and harassment laws in your state.
• Document, document, document
With all the changes in management you've had, a thorough historical record is important (and an argument for involving HR if possible). Write down every incident, when and where it occurred, who witnessed it, and any management response. A rude comment here or there may not amount to much, but multiple comments and acts can add up to a pattern. And if those incidents increase or intensify after you've complained to management, or if your manager tries to silence or get rid of you, that could be illegal retaliation.
• Seek outside help
Consider talking to an employment attorney about your situation and management's response. You may be able to find free or low-cost consultations through the National Employment Lawyers Association, your local bar association or your state labor agency. Depending on your case, they might have you file a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.
Your third manager's offhand suggestion to seek a restraining order isn't a bad idea - and your manager doesn't get to decide whether that order extends to your workplace. Talk to someone at your local law enforcement office about your options for protecting yourself, warning signs to watch for, and when to get police involved.
Law enforcement and lawyers can probably give you even more specific advice about your situation - such as, for example, avoiding being alone with your co-worker at any time. I'll add this, too: Keep tabs on your mental and emotional health. The stress of being targeted and having to fight to be heard is potentially more harmful in the long term than the stalking itself.
Karla L. Miller advises on workplace dramas and traumas.