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• President Trump's idea of paying people $5,000 to have a baby was ripped on CNN as racist last week. Look, if you want Americans to have babies, you don't hand out free money, instead you hand out free beer. Beer has produced more babies in this nation than any government program could or ever will.
• CBS News reports a Stanford grad got four years in jail Friday for her door-dash-style cocaine home delivery service that took orders on Signal. I knew a West Hollywood cocaine dealer who posed as a J Witness. He was arrested after the cops finally noticed that people were inviting him inside.
• The National Football League held its annual college player draft on Thursday before a studio crowd in Green Bay. In a video for draft day, Baker Mayfield honored the long-ago day that Green Bay icon Brett Favre was drafted. He was the last player drafted by both the NFL and the Confederate Army.
• The El Salvadorian MS-13 gang banger Kilmar Garcia was shown on a Tennessee highway patrolman's tape pulled over in 2019 with 9 guys in the car en route to Maryland. Of course he wasn't smuggling illegal aliens into the U.S. They were a touring boy band called In Synco de Mayo.
• President Trump implied he'd slap new sanctions on Russia if they don't agree to a peace deal Thursday. Under Joe Biden's sanctions, McDonald's Pizza Hut, Coke and Taco Bell pulled out of Russia. As a result of these sanctions, Russians are now healthier than they've ever been in their history.
• President Trump's order requiring proof of citizenship to vote in federal elections was blocked by a District judge. Our IDs need tightening up. A California driver's license either proves to space aliens that you live on Planet Earth, or it proves to residents of Planet Earth that you live in outer space.
• Business News reports California is struggling financially due to falling state revenues, rising inflation, slowdown in the high-tech industry and vanishing studio production in Hollywood. It's causing a massive exodus. The California economy is so bad even the wild fires moved to New Jersey this week.
• Larry David wrote My Dinner with Hitler for the New York Times to chide Bill Maher for dining with Trump. It just never ends. Last month, Larry David was given a time machine and a gun so he can go back in time with the choice of killing either Baby Hitler or Baby Trump, and he's still thinking it over.
• Stephen A. Smith accused NFL teams of racism by not selecting Deion Sanders' QB son Shedeur Sanders #1 in the draft. He came off in interviews as over-the-top cocky. In the final selection round, it was pretty much down to either the Cleveland Browns or Burger King and Burger King passed on him.
• Bill Bellichek was cut off in the middle of his 60 Minutes interview by his 24-year-old girlfriend Sunday when he was asked how they met. They remind me of duck hunting. The male duck hears a fake mating call, falls for it, and then gets his head blown off just when he thinks he's about to get lucky.
• Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem's purse thief was caught Friday two days after he stole it in a restaurant while she was dining. It didn't escape notice that she had $3,000 cash in her purse. My guess is, either Fani Willis is her financial advisor or there's a male strip club near the restaurant.
• President Trump's 100th day in office was marked by the administration Monday by displaying mugshots of arrested illegal alien criminals and their crimes on yard signs on the White House lawn. It had an immediate effect. The White House lawn never looked more perfectly mowed and landscaped.
• Attorney General Pam Bondi vowed to release all FBI files on the billionaire underage sex ring operator Jeffrey Epstein, days before accuser Virginia Giuffre committed suicide. The case gets more mysterious with each passing suicide. It's now rumored Virginia Giuffre shot herself from a passing car.
• Vladimir Putin declared a three-day cease fire during next week's celebration marking the 80th anniversary of the end of World War II. Early May is when Russian troops entered Berlin and Hitler sat down in a chair and shot himself in the mouth, greatly upsetting his maid. She'd JUST cleaned the walls.
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