Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Michigan's Democrat Governor Gretchen Whitmer covered up her face with a folder at an Oval Office photo op. Trump was giving her the help she requested to get rid of the Asian Carp that's been eating up everything in Lake Michigan. Trump signed an order slapping a 125% tariff on all Asian Carp.

• Bill Maher praised Trump for his sense of humor while describing his White House dinner with him ten days ago. I found out Vladimir Putin has a great sense of humor at a White House reception for him back in 2001 that I attended. At one point I made Putin laugh so hard he promised to kill me last.

• President Trump underwent his annual physical at Walter Reed Medical Center Friday where doctors concluded they couldn't be happier with the prognosis. Trump's in ridiculously good health at age 78. Protestors were outside burning golf carts and demanding that cholesterol get its act together.

• The New York Post reported that 33% of Baby Boomers are single. It's not easy being a bachelor in the Trump era. Ever since my maid fled back to Guatemala, I have to clean my toilet, wash my own dishes, and launder my own sheets and pillowcases, and then a month later I have to do it all over again.

• Joe Biden made his first public appearance since leaving the White House Tuesday in Chicago where Biden addressed a convention of the National Conference of the Advocates for the Disabled. It's called leading by example. He'll be delivering the keynote speech titled Apparently I Was President.

• The NFL college player draft airs live on ESPN Thursday from Chicago. If a draft prospect has superior talent, NFL scouts will overlook a lot of past bad behavior, sexual misconduct and previous arrests. If Hannibal Lector ran a 4.2 forty yard dash, they'd say he just has an eating disorder.

• Wall Street stocks soared Friday following the most turbulent eight days of trading fluctuations in memory. There's nothing like waking up to the excitement of a fresh new day in the Trump Era. Before I get out of bed I pick up my phone and check my 401K to see if my balance is zero or $10 million.

• President Trump bumped up tariffs on China anther 40% Thursday to a total of a 145% tariff on all goods coming from China. He announced the new tariff at his cabinet meeting. Trump said for four decades, China has been raping and pillaging the U.S. economy, and he won't stand for pillaging.

• President Trump maintained his scattershot approach to tariffs on Friday by further upping the tariff on Chinese imports to 145% despite later exempting smart phones, computer components and flat screen TVs. It did not go unanswered. In retaliation, China just cancelled all payments to Congress.

• President Trump on Saturday announced he's exempting smart phones, laptops, tech devices and components as well as flat screen TVs from his new tariffs on China and on South Korea. The price for a high-quality phone is getting ridiculous. If I fall and hear something crack, I'm hoping it's a bone.

• China's President Xi on Friday reacted in different ways to the tariffs imposed on China's goods by the U.S. government. On Friday China's government announced China is banning the showing of any more American movies in Chinese movie theaters. This is obviously in retaliation for Snow White.

• Socialist Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez caught some grief for being photographed flying in a first class seat to a Fight the Oligarchy rally in L.A. Chill out. Without priority seating, extra legroom, complimentary drinks and a hot towel, how can you be expected to Fight the Oligarchy?

• Republicans in the House introduced a bill that designates English the official language of the U.S. Ours is a difficult language for foreign listeners to pick up. If you lose your Khaki's in Texas, it means you lost your pants, but if you lose your Khaki's in Boston, it means that you can't start your car.

• Fox News reports a penguin being flown from the South Pole to South Africa escaped from its box aboard a helicopter flight, landed on the control panel and caused the helicopter to crash. A helicopter was brought down by a penguin. I swear these protests against tariffs are getting out of hand.

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