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• Bill Maher agreed to go to the White House and have dinner with President Trump. They might hit it off. The New York comedian became famous hosting a weekly TV show, insulting the Bush presidents for putting the U.S. in Iraq, dating hot women and ridiculing political correctness, and so did Bill Maher.
• Iran loaded missiles on launchers Monday ready to slug it out with the U.S. Navy. From the Gulf of Aden, U.S. Navy ships would launch missiles over Saudi Arabia onto Iran, while Iran launched missiles over Saudi Arabia at the U.S. ships. For the first time ever, Saudi Arabia may celebrate Passover.
• Kanye West made the news again Saturday when he showed up for a YouTube interview on his show called The Kanye West Experience wearing Ku Klux Klan robes with his face covered by a pointed KKK hood. I still don't think they're going to let him join. Certain restrictions apply.
• Denmark's prime minister lashed out at the Trump administration for announcing annexation designs on Denmark's Greenland territory. This tiff could affect our favorite breakfast treat. Any day, I expect President Trump to announce that from now on a Danish will be called the Breakfast Roll of America.
• Francis Ford Coppola just spent 2 years reediting his 1979 Vietnam War masterpiece Apocalypse Now for release soon on a Final Edition DVD that adds edited scenes and updates its message. In this cut Robert Duvall says that he loves the smell of burning napalm in the morning. It smells like Tesla.
• Tesla Takedown Day sparked violent protests all over the world Saturday in which paid protestors burned and smashed Teslas. They're against DOGE and Elon Musk. I was going to join the protest against his right to cut government fraud and waste, but I had to go cash my dog's Social Security check.
• Fox News interviewed Tesla protestors on Takedown Saturday who say demonstrations against Elon Musk have just begun. Don't miss seeing tomorrow night's protests. They plan to invade Tesla dealership lots, line up Teslas in the shape of a cross and burn them to celebrate Throwback Thursday.
• Tiger Woods's new love is Vanessa Trump, the ex-wife of Trump Jr., giving the president a black family member and 3 Jewish grandkids. It was just learned Elon hired a black woman to head Teslas DEI program. In addition to the egg shortage it appears Americans are rapidly running out of Hitlers.
• The Pentagon reportedly upgraded phone security in the wake of last week's Signal chat room breach. The nation's security services have taken measures to make sure this never happens again. The Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth now has to blow into a breathalyzer in order to unlock his phone.
• Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced Monday that he's imposing new fitness standards that will be gender-neutral for all soldiers assigned to combat duty. Any attack will be less collaborative from now on. I've just received a message from my wireless provider to text STOP to opt out of invasion plans.
• Dulles Airport in Washington reports yet another near-miss in the air between a military jet and a passenger plane. I swear, the skies are turning into the Wild West. While I was driving down to the South Bay Saturday, I switched my phone to airplane mode and I just missed hitting a Delta airliner.
• A Delta Airliner just missed colliding with a military jet which was doing a flyover at Arlington Cemetery. It seems every other week there's another near-miss in the air, a fiery landing or a freak fuselage malfunction. It's comforting to know that at Boeing, when one door closes, another door opens.
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