Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• The White House Correspondents Association announced Sunday that the annual White House Correspondents Dinner canceled the comedian scheduled to perform. The comic is lucky she lost the gig. This crowd is so woke that in 2011 they walked out on President Obama for telling Obama jokes.

• Moscow police are searching for terrorists who are suspected of trying to assassinate President Vladimir Putin on Saturday. One of Putin's official fleet of cars was targeted by a firebomb and the car exploded on a street in Moscow. Nobody knows how Ukraine managed to put a Tesla logo on it.

• The Texas Department of State Health Services reported on Sunday that 400 cases of measles have now infected Texas residents in the West Texas region spreading to the Texas panhandle. The governor should send in the Houston Texans wide receivers to stop this. They can't catch anything.

• Senate Democrats demanded hearings into the Signal group chat leak of our U.S. military attack plans on Yemen. The administration was able to solve it without firing anybody. From now on, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has to blow into a breathalyzer every time he wants to unlock his phone.

• The FCC announced it's opening an investigation into Disney's strident DEI policies. They may be doing Disney Studios a favor because its DEI policies resulted in casting decisions that don't sell movie tickets. Disney studio should fire the director who cast Snow White and the 7 Audience Members.

• Elon Musk's DOGE protestors conducted a nationwide protest Saturday in which they picketed 200 Tesla dealerships. A day before the protest, Las Vegas police working with the FBI arrested a suspect in last week's firebombing of a Vegas Tesla dealership. If convicted, he could get the gas vehicle.

• Takedown Tesla demonstrations were held in the United States, Canada and Europe on Saturday in protest of Elon Musk's DOGE firings of government workers. If you want to protect your Tesla from protestors, re-brand it as a Honda. They'll have to accept it as a Trans or else admit they're bigots.

• Tesla dealerships offered for free to scrub off the swastikas spray-painted on Teslas by protestors Saturday. In a related story, Kanye West and Bianca Censori reached a divorce settlement Friday. Under their agreement, Bianca gets $5 million and Kanye gets gets Poland, Austria and Czechoslovakia.

• US News and World Report warned Elon Musk is the Great and Powerful Wizard behind the curtain of Trump's attempt to remake America. People should just relax. Elon Musk was born in Africa, so he can't be elected president unless he can find the guy who made Obama's birth certificate.

• ABC News reported Sunday that President Trump has privately not ruled out the military option in order for the U.S. to acquire Greenland. The speculation gets sillier by the minute. If Trump brings back the military draft for a war against Canada it completely screws up where the draft dodgers will go.

• Homeland Security's Kristi Noem flew to El Salvador to face the migrant criminal gang members in the El Salvador jail where she sent them. They stared at her from behind bars while she paraded in front of them in a tight blouse and slacks. And the World Court thought water-boarding is prison torture.

• Columbia sued the White House for halting federal funding over their anti Israel protests. Some students are so naïve about the violent homophobia in the Middle East they hold up signs of support for Hamas which say Queers for Palestine. They might as well hold up signs reading Chickens for KFC.

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