Jewish World Review April 29, 2004 / 8mcclanahan1.asp Iyar, 5764
important news ....
Olympic legend Mark Spitz said Tuesday the U.S. team may
skip the Olympics over poor security. He's one great athlete. Mark
Spitz could throw four of his seven gold medals over the White
House fence and still break John Kerry's all-time record.
Billy Joel plowed his sports car into the Long Island home
of a ninety-three-year-old woman Sunday. She told reporters she
never heard of the singer and had absolutely no idea who he was.
So much for the claims he wasn't injured in the crash.
Los Angeles boiled in triple digits for the fourth straight
day Tuesday. An earthquake struck that morning and shark sightings
were reported at the beach. Living in Los Angeles is like being
married to a beautiful woman who's always sick.
Sacramento was lobbied by porno movie stars Tuesday against
a bill requiring safe sex in the studios. Due to a health scare
all porno movie production has been shut down. Bill Clinton is
rushing to finish his autobiography to fill the void.
Secretary of State Colin Powell sent emergency food
shipments to North Korea Monday. Due to famine the people there
have had no bread or fruit or vegetables for ten years. It is the
longest anyone's ever been able to stay on the Atkins Diet.
Archbishop Theodore McCarrick of Washington D.C. vowed
sanctions on politicians who differ with Rome. How dare they
interfere with the political process. In the confession booth Ted
Kennedy flips a coin with the priest to see who goes first.
The Village Voice blasted John Kerry for trying to have it
both ways on Vietnam. The newspaper was founded in the Sixties. No
one wants to say the Village Voice catered to hippies but it was
the only paper ever published with gummed edges.
John Kerry began a bus tour Monday called the Tour for Jobs. He has a system for sizing up voters on the campaign trail. John Kerry believes you're in the upper class if your name is on the building, you're in the middle class if you're name is on your desk, and you're in the working class if your name is on your shirt.
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