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Jewish World Review April 14, 2004 /24 Nisan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Democrats were reported Monday to be nervous about the timing of the release of Bill Clinton's book with all its publicity. Nobody will mind the steep hardcover price. Americans have always felt that a great comedian is worth every penny.

John Kerry released a middle-class misery index on Monday to demonstrate his compassion and empathy. He said the middle class is caught in a health care squeeze. He understands because for nine years his bank account has been on a ketchup drip.

Los Angeles International Airport was shut down Monday after a bird was electrocuted on a power pole at the airport, causing a power outage. It was inevitable. No one wants to blame it on terrible airline food, but passengers from Kentucky are no longer allowed window seats while the plane is taking off.

The Alamo starring Billy Bob Thornton as Davy Crockett was released in movie theaters Friday about the famous siege battle. Some things never change. Today, Dos Equis and Sam Adams are still fighting over the lucrative Texas alcoholics market.

CBS Radio News reported Friday that vacation destination states like Florida are worried that high gasoline prices may kill summer travel. Gas prices are insane in California. The longest line at the Chevron station in Beverly Hills is for oats.

John Kerry infuriated commuters with his entrance into Chicago Thursday. His twelve-car motorcade shut down the entire Kennedy Expressway during rush hour. Cubs fans never thought it could happen, but the heat is finally off Steve Bartman.

Senator John Kerry declared Friday that President Bush is planning spending cuts that are almost criminal. He said the president's budget is unbelievable, morally unacceptable and staggering. Then he realized he was reading his standard introduction to Teddy Kennedy that gets him the big laughs at fundraisers.

John McCain was interviewed on the Today show Thursday. He swore he will not be John Kerry's running mate. John McCain said he's an Abe Lincoln Republican and he is, if you can imagine a short, chubby, and not always so honest Abe Lincoln.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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