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Jewish World Review April 29, 2004 / 8 Iyar, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Bin Laden warns Olsen twins

Attempts to drive wedge between Mary-Kate, Ashley | In a new tape broadcast on the Arabic language al-Jazeera network today, al Qaeda kingpin Osama bin Laden warned the Olsen twins to get out of show business immediately or “face my wrath.”

The warning to the Olsens came in the form of a “truce offer,” similar to the truce bin Laden offered European nations several weeks ago.

In his latest tape, bin Laden said he was giving the Olsens “one last chance” to withdraw from show business in exchange for a peace with his terror organization.

Terrorism experts said that on the surface, bin Laden’s warning to the Olsens seemed timed to prevent the release of their latest motion picture, “New York Minute,” slated to open nationwide this Friday.

But the experts said that bin Laden’s unstated goal may be to drive a wedge between the Olsen twins, thus neutralizing them as a formidable foe for al Qaeda.

“Traditionally, Mary-Kate has favored appeasing al Qaeda while Ashley has taken a much more hawkish stance,” said the University of Minnesota’s Dr. Julius Pankow, who has studied the Olsen twins’ politics for the past fourteen years. “Bin Laden would like nothing better than to test their alliance.”

But according to Buddy Schlantz, a talent agent and longtime observer of the entertainment scene, the time may be propitious for the Olsens to accept bin Laden’s truce.

“Why not get out of show business?” asked Mr. Schlantz. “Those two kids are already richer than Cheney.”

In a related story, the al-Jazeera network announced plans to broadcast the final episode of “Friends,” under the title “Enemies.”

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz