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Jewish World Review April 5, 2004 / 14 Nissan, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Nader hires Tyco juror to run campaign

Candidate praises holdout as ‘world-class spoiler’ | Just hours after causing a mistrial in the government’s months-long prosecution of former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski, the lone holdout juror in the case was named campaign manager for Ralph Nader, the presidential candidate announced today.

While the holdout juror has had no experience running a presidential campaign, Mr. Nader lavished praise on her, calling her “a world-class spoiler.”

“I watched the Tyco case very closely,” Mr. Nader told reporters. “And I said to myself, if she can screw up an entire trial all by herself, imagine what she could do to this election.”

But Mr. Nader’s announcement may have been overshadowed by the bizarre actions of Mr. Kozlowski, who moments after the judge’s declaration of a mistrial leapt to his feet and started chanting, “Toga, Toga, Toga!”

After announcing his plans to hold “the most bodacious kegger since the dawn of time,” Mr. Kozlowski then splurged one million dollars on a priceless antique shower curtain said to have been owned by King Louis XIV of France.

The million-dollar price is believed to be the highest ever paid for any shower item, according to Allison Lynne-Backey, who brokered the sale in her capacity as curator of the Overpriced Objects Department at Sotheby’s.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz