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Jewish World Review April 2, 2004 / 12 Nissan, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Life-size Kerry robot hits campaign trail

Uncanny android subs for convalescing senator | With Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) recovering from a shoulder operation earlier this week, a life-size John Kerry robot hit the campaign trail today to rave reviews from supporters and Democratic insiders alike.

“I can’t believe it’s not Kerry,” said Joe McKiernan, a life-long Democratic worker in South Boston who saw the Kerry robot, called the JK-9000, at a campaign appearance outside Boston’s historic Faneuil Hall.

The Kerry-inspired android, which so far is only programmed to say the phrases “I am a veteran” and “Bring it on,” is a radio-controlled device that can be operated from as far away as fifty yards by the Senator’s wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry.

“Teresa got the hang of operating a robot by remote control in no time flat,” one aide to Ms. Kerry told reporters. “It’s as if she’s done it for years.”

While some campaign operatives expressed relief that the Kerry robot could fill in so seamlessly for the Senator while Mr. Kerry nurses his ailing shoulder, others pointed cautiously to lessons learned in the 2000 campaign, when a life-size wooden puppet briefly subbed for Vice-President Al Gore, to mixed results.

“A wooden marionette filled in for Gore during the second debate, when the Vice-President was recovering from some root canal work,” one Gore aide remembers. “But the puppet turned out to be much more charismatic than Gore, who then came back in the third debate and was considered flat and disappointing.”

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz