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Jewish World Review Feb. 22, 2002 / 10 Adar, 5762

Robert L. Haught

Robert L. Haught
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Consumer Reports


Warm-up time for political spoof


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com -- ALL over town, seasoned journalists who chronicle the complexities of the stock market and the Enron meltdown while tracking major legislation and charting political currents are busy struggling with rhyme schemes and show tunes.

They're working on skits and songs for the annual production of the Washington Gridiron Club, a rollicking spoof of public figures that has been delighting audiences in the nation's capital since 1885. Although the show often sends a strong message through its satirical jabs, it holds true to its tradition to "singe, but never burn" its targets.

As a longtime fan of Gridiron, this columnist can't resist penning a few lyrics as a warm-up to next month's performance:

A chorus line costumed in burkhas and long robes is identified as Osama bin Laden's wives and girl friends. They sing a plaintive lament:

"Won't you come home, bin Laden, won't you come home.
"You've been away too long.
"We understand your leaving, you ran and hid.
"We know that you've done wrong.
"Ever since the U.S. froze up your bank accounts,
"Why, we can't even buy a comb.
"Afghanistan's aflame, oh, ain't it a shame?
"Bin Laden, won't you please come home."

One of the figures drops the veil, revealing his true identity -- Defense Secretary Don Rumsfeld, who sings:

"You'd best come home, bin Laden, come right on home.
"We've waited way too long.
"You'll get a trial, old buddy, if you're not dead.
"You know that you've done wrong.
"We bombed your caves, bin Laden, to smoke you out.
"Then found you were still on the roam.
"You know you're to blame, and you can't win this game.
"Bin Laden, get your butt back home."

The chorus adds the finisher:

"Hey, there, Osama, come back to your mamas,
"Bin Laden, won't you please come home."

A somewhat mellowed Sen. Ted Kennedy serenades his new pal, President Bush:

"You came from Austin, and I came from Boston,
"Not birds of a feather, but we got together.
"We passed legislation to help education.
"How did we pull it off?
"You had all our family to see a new movie,
"Served hot dogs and ice cream, we thought it was groovy.
"We worked on a school bill, we made it a cool bill.
"That's how we pulled it off."
An immodest Rudy Giuliani tells how much he loves New York (and himself):

"East side, west side, all around the town,
"New Yorkers love Giuliani, I'm a man of great renown.
"We all came together, everyone went to work,
"Building back our great city on the sidewalks of New York.
"North side, south side, I've been everywhere,
"Lifting everyone's spirits. I enjoyed my role as mayor.
"Firemen named Wyjowski, cops named Jones or O'Rourke,
"They're America's heroes on the sidewalks of New York."

Former Enron chief Ken Lay tries to convince Congress of his innocence:

"I didn't know Enron was bloated,
"And I'm so sorry, my friends.
"I didn't know deals were promoted,
"And I'll never, never do it again."

On trial for fraud, bribery and other charges, Rep. Jim Traficant, D-Ohio, thinks he might have found a solution:

"I'm going to Salt Lake City, Salt Lake City, here I come.
"I'm going to Salt Lake City, Winter Olympics, here I come.
"They've got a crazy lot of judges there,
"And I'm gonna get me one!"



JWR contributor Robert L. Haught is a columnist for The Oklohoman. Comment by clicking here.

Up

01/29/02: Tax dollars working wonders
01/09/02: While Congress is away, look at the laws it has made
12/28/01: 2001: A year of achievements, but some are disputable
12/21/01: Gifts for many public officials came a bit early this year
11/29/01: Animal rights group would like to tan Osama's hide
11/20/01: Are Americans too spaced out?
10/12/01: There's something fishy going on in the U.S. Congress
10/05/01: Lincoln had some memorable things to say about war
09/21/01: Washington's guidelines on how to tickle a terrorist
08/31/01: Two Garys, going the same road
08/24/01: Dog days are laughing matter, stories set tails wagging

© 2001, Robert L. Haught