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Jewish World Review April 17, 2002 / 6 Iyar, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Michael Jordan cut short his comeback with the Washington Wizards and ended his season last week. There's no reason to be ashamed. He's not the first guy who promised to clean up the mess in Washington and wound up begging his wife not to divorce him.

The Energy Department said Monday they will ship plutonium to South Carolina for storage despite vehement local protests. Federal guidelines are being followed. Whenever there's a choice, the first state to secede from the Union always gets to store the radioactive material.

Pope John Paul II on Monday summoned all American cardinals to the Vatican. The meeting will be closed to the public. No one is sure what the prelates are going to hear, but a live performance by the Vienna Boys Choir would be a bad bet.

Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig defended league contraction on CNN radio Monday. This is a guy who proposed getting rid of the Twins during a speech in Minnesota. He went over like the Damascus premiere of Fiddler on the Roof.

Al-Jazeera Television broadcast a one-hour videotape Monday which shows Osama bin Laden sitting next to one of his terrorist aides, but not saying a word. We are gaining on him. Once a TV star starts working as an extra, it's pretty much over.

Afghanistan welcomes back King Mohammad Zaher Shah from exile Friday. His building is surrounded by concrete barricades and armed police, the streets are closed and troops are standing by. You would think they were giving the guy a special Oscar.

Israel proposed holding a comprehensive Middle East peace conference which would exclude Yasser Arafat. It probably has nothing to do with his politics. When you haven't taken a shower in four weeks, you're really not welcome anywhere.

Ariel Sharon made Colin Powell nauseous Friday morning by showing him photos of bombing victims during breakfast. This wasn't in the plan. If President Bush wanted an envoy who's going to throw up under the table, he would have sent his father.

President Bush and Dick Cheney raised money at GOP rallies in Illinois and Iowa on Monday. The campaign rhetoric is heating up. It's only a matter of time before they identify Al Gore, Hillary Clinton and Teddy Kennedy as the Axis of Ego.

Dick Cheney disclosed Monday he paid income taxes on income of $4.3 million in 2001. It's a far cry from the $36 million he earned the year before. Still, considering what happened to everyone else who works for Enron, he came out just fine.

Florida Democrats listened to presidential candidates plan the recapture of the White House all weekend. It might take some patience. If you don't think Democrats believe in eternity, just ask Hillary Clinton how long it is until 2008.

Al Gore got a giant cheer from the crowd when he mentioned Bill Clinton during his Florida speech Saturday. Now he's stuck with it. Comedians always warn younger comics that once they swear on stage, they might get hooked on the louder laughs and never work clean again.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton