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Jewish World Review April 11, 2002 / 30 Nisan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Colin Powell got a cold reception this week from Arab leaders on his Mideast peace mission. They don't pay much attention to Americans. Of the four leaders he met, three of them congratulated him on the special Oscar he received this year.

President Bush lost his temper Monday and commanded Israel to withdraw from the West Bank. He then accused Yasser Arafat of being a failure. This proves it isn't just basketball coaches who attend Bobby Knight's crisis management seminars.

U.S. Army Special Forces destroyed Afghan caves in Operation Mountain Lion on Monday. These men creep around very quietly and wear camouflage and are hardly noticeable against the background. It's a preview of the Democratic primaries in 2004.

Israel blew up a building in Nablus Tuesday which locals insisted was a soap-making factory. However the building was actually a bomb factory. The Israeli army got suspicious when the labels on every box of soap read Northern Irish Spring.

Arthur Andersen's top Enron auditor David Duncan pleaded guilty to charges of destroying company documents to keep them out of the hands of SEC investigators. The guy tried everything before pleading guilty. His last call was to Roger Clinton.

The House Judiciary Committee agreed Tuesday to dismantle the Immigration Department. They want a foolproof way to regulate who gets in the country. They're going to split the agency into two departments, an electric fence and a cement wall.

The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse released a study on college drinking. They say last year alcohol caused 1,400 deaths, 70,000 rapes and 500,000 injuries. The U.N. War Crimes Tribunal just freed Slobodan Milosevic and indicted Dean Martin.

The International Civil Aviation Organization published its annual survey on air safety. They say commercial aviation was safer in 2001 than 2000, if you take out the September 11th attacks. Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, did you enjoy the play?

Los Angeles went on tactical alert Tuesday after the Police Commission voted 4-1 to fire the city's second black police chief. It was precisely on schedule. The four seasons in Southern California are earthquake, brushfire, verdict and riot.

Interior Department employees used government credit cards to withdraw money at casinos and buy jewelry and furs. It's outrageous. If they expect to get away with wasting taxpayer money on high living, they'll have to run for Congress like everybody else.

Senator Hillary Clinton spent her entire weekend in San Francisco performing at fundraisers for Governor Gray Davis' re- election campaign. They needed her there to offset his dull personality. Gray Davis makes Al Gore look like Jerry Lewis.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton