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Jewish World Review April 5, 2002 / 24 Nisan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Fortune magazine named Wal-Mart as America's largest company in their annual top 500 list. Enron moved up three places from number eight to number five. This is scientific proof, once and for all, that there's no such thing as bad publicity.

American Taliban John Walker Lindh's attorney told a Hearing that the U.S. mistreated his client and underfed him. The public hostility is overwhelming. The difference between a lawyer and a terrorist is, the terrorist has sympathizers.

Donald Trump announced he sold the Empire State Building to a group of local real estate investors for $58 million. It's the same old story with him. He dumped the Empire State Building for a younger building with a really cute abutment.

Milton Berle was given a hilarious send-off Monday by fellow comedians at his funeral service at Hillside Memorial Park near Beverly Hills. You can always spot the widow at a Beverly Hills funeral. She's the one in the black tennis dress.

Israel restored electrical power to Yasser Arafat's besieged compound. However, Arafat continued to give interviews by candlelight. His publicist told him he hasn't looked this good on television since the Munich Olympics in 1972.

President Bush conceded that Yasser Arafat is an exception to the Bush Doctrine. That's because there's a big difference between Osama bin Laden and Yasser Arafat. Osama bin Laden we can't find and Yasser Arafat we can't get rid of.

The Israelis showed reporters financial documents seized from Yasser Arafat's office. There were ledgers, receipts and itemized lists showing the cost of bombs and explosives. The FBI just placed Arthur bin Andersen on its Ten Most Wanted List.

The Queen Mother is the subject of tributes in newspapers all over the world this week. During the 1940 bombing of London, she stayed home and risked death rather than flee to America for safety. That's how high taxes were under Roosevelt.

Saddam Hussein offered $25,000 to the relatives of each suicide bomber this week. He also promised free college for each bomber's siblings and a new home for each bomber's family. He's this close to being granted a license to box in Memphis.

The Exxon Valdez owner told an appeals court Wednesday that the tanker should be allowed to return to Alaska. The spill had a lasting impact. To this day, you can't order an Tanquerey on the Rocks without being lectured by an environmentalist.

WorldCom Communications announced in its Philadelphia headquarters Wednesday that they must lay off 3,700 American workers. You know the phone company. They don't like to describe the firings as layoffs, they prefer to call it Job Forwarding.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton