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Reader: I've been at my company for several years, with a good reputation and a few promotions. Last year, after my team supervisor resigned, I filled that role for a few months until we hired someone. The new supervisor is personable, and their expertise is filling a much-needed gap. It seemed to be going well at first. But now, something is off - we don't seem to be on the same page, our work styles are very different and both of us are clearly frustrated.
I've brought up this frustration a few times, and the most recent conversation didn't go well. I went into listening mode, and my supervisor made some comments that they probably (hopefully) regret. For example, they said:
• They may withhold an opportunity from me because I'm not meeting expectations (something they had not communicated to me and said they just expected me to "know" to do);
• Our conflict is due to my not trusting them (which is not true);
• They will continue with the "status quo" unless I do something differently (which effectively puts the responsibility on me to fix our relationship).
I know I'd feel regret if I said those things to a direct report and didn't take ownership over my contribution to the relationship.
They also mentioned how hard it's been for them to adjust to the new job, which wasn't what they expected from the interviews. There aren't enough staff, and they left a long career at a big employer to come work with us, so I imagine they are struggling with the culture. I can tell they are resentful.
Our company doesn't offer mediation. However, we use a well-known behavioral assessment system, and from our profiles it's super clear where the conflict is coming from. I had a helpful discussion with our system consultant last week and recommended my supervisor do the same, but I don't know if they will.
This has been having a negative impact on my mental well-being. I feel anxiety and dread whenever I need to interact with this supervisor. I'm not even sure they're willing to meet me halfway to rebuild our work relationship. What can I do to make this work? Or is this my sign to look for a new job?
• Karla: You say that, in your supervisor's shoes, you would feel regret if you "didn't take ownership" over your role in this rocky relationship. So let's take a look at that: How are you feeding this dynamic now?
I'm not saying you're to blame! I'm saying that you're looking at your supervisor's point of view through the lens of your own priorities and motivations ("I know I'd feel regret…." "I imagine …" "I can tell…"). You seem to be empathetic, feelings-focused and committed to understanding and defusing this conflict. You want to sort the relationship out so you can work better together.
But with your focus on these details, you're missing the bigger picture: Your supervisor is either not interested in or not capable of any of these things. Someone who punishes people for failing to meet unstated expectations, blames others for lacking "trust" (which could mean anything from "undermining" to "failing to obey without question") and refuses to consider a different approach is not someone who wants to work on the relationship. This is someone who sees relationships as secondary - even irrelevant - to results.
Ordinarily, I might suggest asking your supervisor to meet outside of work for a reset: "I respect the expertise you bring. I know it's a challenge getting things done in our under-resourced environment. We have the same goals, but we don't seem to be on the same page about how to accomplish them. I would like to hear more about your vision, and what I could be doing differently to support that better." While I doubt your open-mindedness would be reciprocated, it's still worth a try.
Incidentally, even though figuring out what personality quadrants, archetypes or acronyms you and your supervisor fit into might help you analyze the situation, behavioral assessments are like therapy or religion: They mean nothing to non-subscribers. All they can do is provide a framework for you to guide your own perspective and responses.
Finally, not to put too fine a point on it: Even though you were briefly in charge of this team, you report to the supervisor now. Do I think it would have been wise for a new supervisor taking the reins to engage you as an ally in the transition, harnessing your experience to help them navigate this unfamiliar work environment? Of course. But if they don't see it that way, you have two paths left.
One is to accept that your supervisor, although "personable," is not going to meet you halfway on forging a better relationship. Assume that your connection will never be deeper than work. From that baseline, develop an approach for divining and delivering results in line with their expectations. Stay empathetic and engaged with similar-minded colleagues, but detached and diplomatic with your supervisor.
The other is to take your good reputation and team-leading experience where they will be valued, with a different team or a different employer.
Karla L. Miller advises on workplace dramas and traumas.