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Q: How can I decenter men while in a romantic relationship? I love my partner, and he supports me like no other person, but I want to pursue my dreams. I feel like I concern myself too much with relationships. It's giving codependent.
- Lovesick Woman
A: First, you'll want to reflect on a few things: How has centering men or your partner caused you to put your needs or feelings to the side? How comfortable are you, generally, using your voice or taking up space - especially when men are present? How has centering men impacted your history, beliefs and relationships with other women? Now, if you find that your answers skew less "centering" all men and only "centering" a male romantic partner, you're right that there may be some codependent tendencies present. The latter is more focused on a reliance and dependence on a particular person - i.e. your male partner.
In both cases, you want to practice saying no and setting boundaries to protect your finite capacity for giving or doing for others, especially men and your partner. This may mean challenging gender stereotypes and practicing more assertive communication skills. You may also want to work with a professional to explore these narratives you hold around being "less" important than men/male partners since you're a woman. They can help you build your self-esteem and confidence in taking up space or using your voice. After all, centering men leads to tying your self-worth to a man's validation, but you want to learn how to do that for yourself.
While "decentering men" can look like giving fewer pieces of your pie to the men in your life, it doesn't mean forgoing the relationships you have with men. Instead, think of it as saving more of the pie for yourself and your personal development. You want to build a life for yourself that is expansive beyond the men in your life by nurturing your friendship with other women, pursuing hobbies and clubs, and just generally learning to get to know yourself (and your needs and wants) as an individual.
Finally, be kind to yourself as you challenge long-held, internalized beliefs that you've been conditioned to hold as Truth. You're worthy regardless of who else says so or who your partner is. No one, and nothing, can take that away from you.
Q: I have a sibling, George, who complains about co-workers who don't do their job, are late for work, leave early, etc. Their boss doesn't do anything, even when George tells him what is going on.
A few times a month, I meet with George at a restaurant. He can gripe for several hours or more about the same issues at his work every time we meet. I try to change the subject, but eventually he will go back to griping. I don't know if he vents to his wife.
It is putting a strain on me because he seems to have little else to talk about. Is it possible that somebody who is very critical and judgy about others is happy? Or could George be unhappy but not realize it?
- Annoyed
A: George might be griping about the same things because no one else listens, because he values your feedback or because he's unhappy. I don't know. But you're asking the wrong questions. You're trying to understand why George does what he does and if he's even happy, but I think the real question is how can you maintain a relationship with your sibling that is still meaningful but not as exhausting to you?
You have to be honest with George about how this pattern is impacting you and thus impacting your relationship with him. You can be kind when doing so, but this may sound like: "We've talked about your co-workers a lot. Can we talk about [different topic] instead?" In those moments where he ignores your changing the subject, you may need to step in and say: "I want to be here for you, but it feels like all we ever talk about is your work. Can we take a break from it for now?" It may be uncomfortable to be so direct, but clearly something isn't working. You may even consider reflecting to him what you're concerned about. This can sound like, "You don't seem happy at work." Or, "I'm worried about you. It sounds like this issue with your co-workers is impacting your happiness and mental health." This can open a larger conversation around potential solutions or mental health care.
If George still doesn't stop expecting you to be his sounding board, think about how you set boundaries around these interactions - such as agreeing to fewer dinners with him or exiting the conversation if he ignores your request to stop talking about work. Before deciding to pull back or enforce boundaries around how much you engage with him, consider being honest with George: "We spend most of our quality time together talking about your work stress. I'm happy to help consider solutions and listen occasionally, but it's straining on me, and honestly our relationship, when it's all we talk about." I wonder if he knows he's doing it, and being more forthright about pointing this out in a kind way may help him practice awareness.
Just remember that you can't change George, but you can control how effectively and kindly you communicate what you're feeling, and how it's impacting the relationship you have. You owe it to George to be honest about what you're struggling with as to avoid resentment. Good luck!
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Sahaj Kaur Kohli is a therapist and the creator of Brown Girl Therapy.
Previously:
• My in-laws' visits last for months. I'm at my wit's end
• I'm dreading celebrating my emotionally manipulative mom's birthday