Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• President Trump authorized Elon Musk's Space X mission to rescue two astronauts from the Space Station who splashed down safely Tuesday. The joy was short-lived. Minutes after splashing down, a San Francisco federal judge ordered Trump to send the two astronauts back to the Space Station.

• Elon Musk's Space X rocket brought home the 2 astronauts stranded nine months on the Space Station on Tuesday. The capsule parachuted safely into the Gulf of America. Musk protestors were furious over his rescue of the astronauts in outer space. They spent all day setting fire to Ford Galaxies.

• Las Vegas police said vandals torched five Teslas in a Tesla dealership lot, spray-painted Nazi swastikas on them and fired bullets into them. It was later reported that all Teslas are equipped with Sentry Mode that videotapes attacks on the car. If identified, each vandal faces 10-20 years in Congress.

• Mexican cartels are now reported smuggling drugs across the border into Southern California hidden inside cattle. It's not enough that cocaine is in L.A. drinking water, the cocaine is now in the cow flatulence. If you're willing to snort that, I'm not surprised that your rehab insurance ran out.

• California officials are reported Tuesday scrambling to adjust DEI programs to Trump's ban on them. I was told by my DMV instructor that I just passed my driving test with flying colors. It serves Chen, Tyrone, Jose and Mustafa right for crossing the road without looking up from their phones.

• Prince Harry faces possible deportation after lying on his immigration form about his past use of cocaine and mushrooms. I'm not one to judge. It's great being King Kong until the mushrooms wear off and you are just sitting naked on the roof holding a Barbie doll and screaming at helicopters.

• President Trump was interviewed by Fox News host Laura Ingraham Tuesday where he talked about the two-hour talk he'd just had on the phone with Vladimir Putin. Ukraine isn't the only war that's raging. If any more Teslas get burned to the ground L.A. may have to name a suburb after the car.

• Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer was on The View Tuesday and faced vicious criticism for ending the filibuster and keeping the government from shutting down, and the Progressives are out for his scalp. My girlfriend and I just broke up over our political differences. We're both Democrats.

• March Madness got underway this week with the NCAA basketball tournament prompting office betting pools and betting brackets to break out everywhere. Today I saw a movie trailer for a horror film that shows a hand suddenly sticking up out of the grave. It was Pete Rose placing a bet on Gonzaga.

• Starbucks was ordered by a judge to pay a customer $50 million Monday after a Starbucks server working at the drive-thru window spilled boiling tea on his penis as he sat in his car. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so cynical. I lost twenty bucks betting the server was a personal injury lawyer looking for work.

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