Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Elon Musk sent a rocket to the Space Station to rescue 2 U.S. astronauts who've been stranded there since last June. It was worth the research. They discovered if you're an astronaut, never tell NASA you're a Republican just before takeoff if a Democrat is in the White House and it's an election year.

• CBS News says Democratic congresswomen are wearing pink in Congress to raise awareness of their defiance of Trump's policies. They say it's a color of power and protest. Last night onstage, I wore pink to raise awareness for people like me who forget to separate their red laundry from the whites.

• President Trump urged the Justice Department Friday to halt drug smuggling that supplies the illegal drugs that he said is ripping American families apart. I once had a good friend in L.A. who had a wife, a home and a good job until he got mixed up with drugs. Today he has a yacht and an island.

• The New York Post cited statistics showing one-third of Baby Boomers are single, either divorced or never married. Some of us weren't made for double-harness. Today I had to tell my girlfriend I can no longer help do the dishes because Trump made it illegal for men to participate in women's sports.

• Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer broke the budget filibuster Friday and ignited a revolt in the House led by flashy young Progressive Members AOC and Jasmine Crockett. Democrats boast that they have the most beautiful women. They say have you ever heard of a hot piece of elephant?

• Congresswoman Maxine Waters of Los Angeles was quoted Friday warning CNN viewers that the nation is heading for a civil war under President Trump. His reaction was equally over the top. President Trump just revoked Maxine's access to Colonel Sanders' Secret Blend of 11 Herbs and Spices.

• Democrat lawmakers met in Leesburg to create a winning message to oppose Republicans. I just hope both parties stay funny. This week, Trump is forcing Germany to build more German tanks, German artillery and German warplanes and Democrats are calling him Hitler for supporting Voter ID.

• Homeland Security Director Kristi Noem stars in TV commercials advising illegal immigrants to go home and re-apply legally. She needs help identifying them all. People say it's impossible to track down illegal immigrants, but with the Door Dash app you can actually summon them to your door.

• Michelle Obama teamed up with brother Craig Robinson to launch a podcast last week where she dished the dirt on being married to Barack Obama. Her number-one complaint about Barack is he's always late. Barack's number-one complaint about Michelle is she always leaves the toilet seat up.

• Prince Harry's U.S. visa file was ordered opened by a judge because he lied on his immigration form stating he never did drugs. But in his recent book he admitted to using cocaine, marijuana and psychedelic mushrooms. Who among us hasn't killed 47 Taliban and not felt the urge to let loose a little.

• California reports spending $9 billion last year for free medical care for illegal migrants. Their condition is alarming. The migrants were once so healthy they could walk to the U.S. from Central America, but now our Chili Cheese Fritos, Red Dye # 3 and Fruit Loops are killing them off one by one.

• The Major League Baseball season gets started tonight overseas in Japan when the L.A. Dodgers play the Cubs in the Tokyo Dome. President Trump plans to attend when the Washington Nationals host the Toronto Blue Jays. Before the game he will take the mound and place a 3-run tariff on Toronto.

(COMMENT, BELOW)