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• Ford's Theater in Washington will host an Abraham Lincoln Symposium in April to honor Abe's presidency on the 160th anniversary of the end of the Civil War. The day the war ended, First Lady Mary Todd Lincoln had one question for him. Would it KILL you to take me to a show once in a while?
• People magazine celebrated Liza Minnelli's 79th birthday Thursday with photos of her life from childhood to movie super-stardom in the 1970s. You can't imagine how much she's adored for her charity work. Liza Minnelli has married more gay men than the Justice of the Peace in West Hollywood.
• President Trump demanded that leftist vandals who firebomb Tesla dealerships and spray paint swastikas on Teslas be classified as domestic terrorists. For what's next, we only have history to go by. Now that Tesla vandals are a terrorist organization when will the U.S. government start arming them?
• Columbia protestors said pro-Palestine agitator and non-citizen Mahmoud Khalil was arrested for expressing free speech. Foreign students at Columbia play UNO with 3 cards. The game comes with four colored cards — red, yellow, green and blue, but everybody keeps the green cards for themselves.
• Columbia protests stormed the lobby of Trump Tower Thursday to protest federal detention of a pro-Hamas campus agitator and express support for the cause of Hamas. Some were waving signs that said Queers for Palestine. They might as well hold up signs reading Cinematographers for Baldwin.
• HHS Secretary Bobby Kennedy recommended a healthy diet, not Ozempic pills, to battle the U.S. obesity epidemic. A new study about obesity was published in Europe on Thursday which found that being married triples a man's chances of being obese. That's because having sex burns a lot of calories.
• Senate Democratic Leader Chuck Schumer caved in Thursday and agreed to support the same temporary spending resolution they supported in September and December. Addressing the Senate he referred to Republicans as bastards, not Nazis. It left Republicans wondering if they'd lost their fastball.
• Wine and Spirits magazine reported a steep drop in the sale of champagne in the U.S. last year which was made worse by a poor grape harvest due to bad weather. However here's a handy tip, if you have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, hit it with a ship. I have seen that work a dozen times.
• Disney scaled back its Snow White premiere after actress Rachel Zegler, who played Snow White, accused the prince in the 1937 movie of being a stalker. But in this day and age, Snow White was lucky she was awakened from a deep sleep by a kiss from the handsome prince. It could have been Cosby.
• The L.A. Marathon will start at Dodger Stadium Sunday and end up at Santa Monica Pier where the cheering crowd includes homeless guys and their dogs. Santa Monica is the only city that allows homeless to own dogs. That's nice but the dogs have got to be wondering if this walk is ever going to end.
• Virginia Track & Field Championships saw one of the female sprinters in the 4x400 Girls Team race smack her opponent on the head with her baton, knocking her out cold. Reaction was swift. Two transgender girl sprinters washed off their makeup in the locker room and re-joined the Boys Team.
• Reputation Pros, an online reputation management firm, announced a plan to help high-profile people promote their good reputations online. If you want to create a good reputation for the world to admire, just do what I'm doing. Slowly and surely outlive everyone who knew what an idiot you were.
• The NTSB reported they're still investigating the cause of an American airliner crashing into a helicopter two months ago. Rumors spread quickly. Last week, panic erupted on a Delta flight when the captain of an all-female flight crew came over the PA system and announced that everything is just fine.
• President Trump demanded attacks on Tesla dealerships be classified a s domestic terrorism after vandals in New Mexico spray-painted swastikas on Teslas at a Tesla dealership. What's hilarious is, the police say they cannot tell if it was done by a Musk hater or a Musk supporter. It's the perfect crime.
• Wall Street settled down over lower inflation reports Wednesday after a two-day sell-off ignited by fears over consequences of Trump's tariffs. The reprisals are getting nasty overseas. This week Ireland imposed a 200% tariff on all imported U.S. goods, until we agree to take Rosie O'Donnell back.
• President Trump observed St. Patrick's Day with Ireland's prime minister Wednesday to honor the people of Ireland and Irish-Americans for their accomplishments and their traditions and their rich culture. Nevertheless, I feel compelled to point out that not everyone can be Irish. Somebody has to drive.
• President Trump held a sit-down with Irish Prime Minister Michael Martin in the White House for St. Patrick's Day. There was one near-gaffe with the PM. Trump was all set to annex his country right there in the Oval Office till an aide broke in and whispered to Trump that Ireland is not Greenland.
• President Trump's Secretary of Education and WWE co-founder Linda McMahon arrived at her office in Washington Tuesday and ignited controversy. Linda announced she's immediately cutting the Department of Education by 50%. Our country's leading educators complained that's nearly one-fourth.
• Sky News in England aired video Monday of a cargo container ship crashing into a U.S. oil tanker carrying jet fuel in the North Sea on Monday. The crash resulted in a tremendous explosion and a massive oil spill. It turns out the pilot of the cargo ship is Russian, so there's no need to breathalyze him.
• Russian President Putin received the U.S. peace envoys at the Kremlin Thursday where they tried to negotiate a cease fire with Ukraine. Trump dispatched billionaire trouble shooter Steve Witkoff to negotiate with Putin and gave him one specific instruction. Be sure your hotel room is on the first floor.
• The Washington Post opined that it's racist to refer to Anglo-Saxons, Anglo-Saxon culture or Anglo-Saxon civilization in public discourse. Like that'll change us. Deep down, I know that cleaning my bathtub with a bacteria-killing spray would be a lot more fun if I could hear the bacteria screaming.
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