Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• President Trump swore in the new Director of the Secret Service in a White House ceremony on Monday. It so happened that the night before, Secret Service agents shot a man approaching the White House grounds who refused to turn back. To be fair, Joe Biden just thought he was walking home.

• The Washington Post called out Democratic speakers for using profane language at their recent anti-Musk rallies. On a bitterly cold day in DC last weekend, Progressive speakers dropped F-bomb after F-bomb ripping DOGE. The sign language interpreter ended up with frostbite on her middle finger.

• Daily Variety reports ABC ordered a new season of the Golden Bachelor that'll air this fall. They offered me the role last year but I turned it down. My life as a standup comic proves that a man will commit fifty years to anything as long as nobody expects him to explain why he's staying out every night.

• DOGE fired a contractor who charged the V.A. $56,000 to water plants in its lobby. That's exactly how Mickey Cohen extorted L.A. nightclubs in the 1950s. If I've learned anything from joking about politicians since Watergate, it's that criminals are far less dangerous than a well-organized government.

• Britain's Sky News aired live coverage of a U.S.-flagged oil tanker on fire after the tanker collided with a cargo container ship and spilled oil into the North Sea. The tanker somehow collided head-on with the container ship. I would certainly like to know what the captain was doing and what her name is.

• The White House cited the record-low number of migrant crossings last month. Last weekend the Border Patrol tried to turn back Mexican cartel members escorting their client migrants across the border by firing pepper spray at them. That's like trying to keep Germans away by spraying beer at them.

• The Daily Mail reports that leftist protests against Elon Musk resulted in Tesla dealerships being fire-bombed in Seattle over the weekend. I think everyone needs to calm down. Elon Musk cannot possibly become the U.S. president unless he can track down and hire the guy who made Obama's birth certificate.

• The Wall Street Journal reported that anti-Trump and anti-DOGE protestors firebombed Tesla dealerships in Seattle Saturday. A vegan bitcoin investor who owns a Tesla and does cross-fit and refused to vote this past last election walks into a bar. The question is what's he going to bring up first?

• Elon Musk revealed Monday that his X social media platform was targeted by a cyber attack by hackers in Ukraine. The hackers didn't realize that Musk's Starlink connects them to the Internet. They're not the first people Elon's fired this month for being too stupid for the job and working remote.

• President Trump vowed to get Russia to end the war Putin started by invading Ukraine three years ago. The other side is, Putin caught Ukraine trying to join NATO and he only took Crimea and the Donbas but didn't take the whole country. Maybe he's trying to teach Americans portion control.

• The U.S. Navy reportedly sent an aircraft carrier to the Persian Gulf to try to stop the terrorist Houti's from attacking oil tankers from their base in Yemen. It's like the Wild West there. At country music bars in Yemen, marriage-eligible young men line up every night for a chance to ride the mechanical goat.

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