Wednesday

January 18th, 2017

The Village Idiot

NOT SOLD IN ANY STORE!

Jim Mullen

By Jim Mullen

Published March 9, 2015

NOT SOLD IN ANY STORE!
First there was the dumbbell. Then came the Thighmaster, followed by the StairMaster, the Exer Stick, the Gazelle, Gravity Boots, Kangaroo Jumps, kettlebells -- all based on the scientific principle that there's nothing that can't be sold as exercise equipment on television. With that in mind, it gives us great pleasure to introduce the most exciting development in personal exercisers since sweatpants -- The Chair!

The Chair may be the most ergonomic, low-impact and simple-to-use exercise device ever made for the home. It's so easy, a child could use it! For developing the thigh and calf muscles, stand in front of The Chair, then bend your knees until your gluteus maximus hits the perfectly contoured "seat." Then stand up. Do it again. Feel the burn? Don't forget to breathe.

But don't take our word for it; ask any Olympic athlete about The Chair and most of them will tell you they use one every day, even at home! And many of them recommend them to their families. Some professional athletes find The Chair so comfortable that they use it while eating -- even while reading the newspaper or watching TV! The Chair has proven therapeutic benefits for people of all ages, from toddlers (ask about our High Chair), to teens, to seniors!

Once you use The Chair, you'll never go back to standing, leaning or squatting. Hundreds of thousands of happy customers use The Chair every day. What are you waiting for? Our operators are standing by now. And if you call in the next 15 minutes, we'll send you a second chair for the same price as the first one. Hurry, supplies are limited.

The Chair comes in many models, from the ever-stylish Chippendale to the classic Windsor; from the beautifully proportioned Queen Anne to the sturdy Mission. No matter what your taste, we can find The Chair that's perfect for your home. Many of our customers keep several around the house so they can use The Chair any time they want, in any room they want. After trying it, many of our customers say they use The Chair at the office, too.

If you order today, we'll also send you free a set of fat-trimming, body-shaping exercises with your purchase. Try sitting down and crossing your legs. Doesn't that feel relaxing? The stress simply drains from your body. Along with The Chair, you'll also receive our famous "Eat All the Sauerkraut You Want" weight-loss plan. Tens of happy customers have lost weight and inches by using The Chair and this simple program. Many who had tried and failed to lose weight before have found The Chair to be the miracle they were looking for. As always, consult your physician before starting any diet and remember, your results may vary.

Kim K. of Hollywood says, "I don't know how I lived without The Chair for so long. Once I learned how to use it, it changed my life!"

Donald T., a real estate developer from Manhattan, says, "If it weren't for The Chair, I'd still be firing people while sitting on the floor!"

Taylor S., an entertainer, says, "I keep one on my tour bus."

The Chair has no messy attachments, no rubber bands to change, no dangerous moving parts to injure your hands or snag on your clothes. It travels easily, or you can ask your hotel to supply one to your room and exercise in complete privacy. Years of testing have shown The Chair to be perfectly safe under a variety of conditions. If you're not 100 percent satisfied with The Chair, simply send it back to us for a quick and easy refund.

The Chair comes to you from Fly-By-Nite Industries, the wonderful folks who brought you Tap Water in a Bottle and Kale. Be the first on your block -- order today!

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Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo."

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