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Jewish World Review March 31, 2004 / 9 Nissan, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Flip-flopping may have injured Kerry’s shoulder

Doctor advises senator not to change positions for two weeks | With Senator John F. Kerry (D-Mass) set for shoulder surgery in Boston today, an orthopedic surgeon familiar with the Senator’s condition said that Mr. Kerry’s penchant for flip-flopping may have caused the injury to his shoulder.

“Constant or repetitive flip-flopping can cause major orthopedic damage,” said Dr. Robert Claman of Massachusetts General Hospital. “If it goes unchecked, flip-flopping can injure a shoulder far more seriously than tennis or golf.”

Dr. Claman said that Mr. Kerry first felt a nagging pain in the tendon of his shoulder at the outset of his quest for the Democratic nomination, when he started flip-flopping on his vote to authorize military action in Iraq.

“At first he started favoring his right shoulder, but as [Former Vermont Governor] Howard Dean started gaining in the polls, he started favoring the left,” Dr. Claman said.

The orthopedic specialist added that once the surgery is completed, he would strongly urge Mr. Kerry not to change his positions for the next two weeks to give the damaged tendon time to heal.

“I told him that if he goes out there and starts flip-flopping on gay marriage or taxes, he’s going to wind up right back on the operating table,” Dr. Claman said. “He agreed with me at first, then disagreed, but then agreed with me again.”

In other news, the French lawyer who is defending Saddam Hussein said today that he was actively seeking the lone Tyco holdout juror to sit on the Iraqi madman's jury.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz