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Jewish World Review March 30, 2004 / 8 Nissan, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Cruise, Cruz cite ‘irreconcilable spelling differences’

It’s Splitsville for Hollywood’s favorite homonyms | Hollywood couple Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz called it quits today, citing “irreconcilable spelling differences” as the reason behind their split.

The storybook romance between Hollywood’s favorite homonyms was reportedly alive and kicking until a few weeks ago, when the two stars realized for the first time that their last names were spelled differently, a friend of the couple revealed.

The couple had finished lunch at The Ivy in Beverly Hills, dividing the check fifty-fifty – but when it came back, Cruz and Cruise received each other’s credit card by mistake and discovered the spelling discrepancy.

“They both felt shocked and betrayed,” the friend said. “They decided to break up that afternoon.”

People in the Hollywood community were dumbfounded by news of the breakup and its spelling-based origins, but veteran talent agent Buddy Schlantz of the Major People Agency said he was not surprised in the least.

“Hollywood stars are under a lot of pressure,” Mr. Schlantz said. “The last thing they need is to worry about how to spell someone else’s last name.”

Spelling, Mr. Schlantz said, may have been at the root of Tom Cruise’s last breakup, as well: “He never got the hang of spelling ‘Kidman’ --- or ‘Nicole,’ for that matter.”

But Mr. Schlantz speculated that there may have been other factors motivating the Cruz-Cruise split: “Frankly, I think Tom Cruise got sick and tired of people calling him a homonym.”

Elsewhere, after his comedy performance at the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association’s dinner, President Bush added Washington to the list of places he has bombed.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz