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Jewish World Review March 22, 2004 / 29 Adar, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Al-Jazeera slaps Osama with 7-second delay

Warns madman about potty-mouthed terror rants | Reflecting the increasingly prudish tenor of the times, the Arabic-language broadcast network al-Jazeera today warned al Qaeda madman Osama bin Laden that all future on-air appearances of his would be subject to a seven-second delay.

“We have no problem with Osama threatening the West with death and destruction, but we’d really like him to clean up his language,” an al-Jazeera spokesman said. “You don’t have to be potty-mouthed to get your message of terror across.”

Observers of the broadcast industry said that the seven-second delay was imposed on Mr. bin Laden after he appeared on the air last week and used “inappropriate language” similar to that used by rock singer Bono during last year’s Golden Globe Awards.

Additionally, the continuing controversy about Janet Jackson’s breast-baring incident at this year’s Super Bowl made the decision to put Mr. bin Laden on a tape delay “inevitable,” the al-Jazeera spokesman said: “We don’t think Osama would resort to flashing, but you never know.”

While censorship opponents such as the ACLU opposed al-Jazeera’s seven-second-delay policy, the network received a surprising vote of support from another renowned international madman, President Kim Jung-Il of North Korea, whom many had expected to side with Mr. bin Laden.

“You can terrify the world without resorting to foul language,” Kim Jung-Il said. “When terrorists start talking like Courtney Love, I really start wondering what this world is coming to.”

In other bin Laden news, days after NBC released a CIA video showing aerial footage of Mr. bin Laden wearing a white robe, Mr. bin Laden announced that he would no longer wear a white robe.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz