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Jewish World Review March 16, 2004 / 23 Adar, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Kerry names foreign leader who supports him: His wife

Doesn’t count, says Powell | Under pressure to identify the "foreign leaders" he claims support him in his bid to oust President Bush, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) today named his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry.

"Teresa was born in Mozambique and is fluent in five languages," Mr. Kerry told reporters onboard his campaign jet. "You don't get more foreign than that."

Saying that he had the "unqualified support" of his wife in his quest to replace Mr. Bush, Mr. Kerry said, "In all five of those languages, she is saying the same three words: Bring it on."

Secretary of State Colin Powell, who had challenged Mr. Kerry over the weekend to identify the unnamed foreign leaders who supported his candidacy, reacted sharply to the Senator's statement, calling it "bogus."

"Mrs. Kerry may be as foreign as all get-out, but no way is she a leader," Mr. Powell said on CNN's "Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer."

But Mr. Kerry fired back, arguing, "Colin Powell doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. I live with Teresa. Not only is she a leader, she's a freaking dictator."

The fall campaign, still in its early months, got even uglier today as the Kerry campaign unleashed its latest attack ad, in which entertainer Janet Jackson's right breast "morphs" into the smiling face of President Bush.

Over a freeze-frame image of the President, a narrator intones, "Isn't it time to expose THIS boob?"

After facing heavy criticism for the undignified tone of the commercial, Mr. Kerry defended the ad, saying that it had been approved "by a foreign leader."

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz