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Jewish World Review March 15, 2004 / 22 Adar, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Detroit Tigers exempted from steroid ban

Steroids called ‘mandatory’ for cellar-dwelling club | Major League Baseball reversed its longstanding anti-steroid policy today, permitting the Detroit Tigers to take the performance-enhancing drugs for the duration of the 2004 baseball season.

"By permitting the Tigers to take steroids, we are taking an important step to level the playing field," MLB Commissioner Bud Selig told reporters.

Under the new policy, which Mr. Selig called "a work in progress," the lowly Tigers will not only be permitted to take steroids, "they will be forced to do so."

Major League Baseball will administer mandatory daily drug tests to confirm that the Detroit team is taking its steroids every day as dictated by the new policy.

Mr. Selig hinted that if the steroid exemption results in more wins for the cellar-dwelling Tigers, it could eventually be extended to such other perennial horsehide doormats as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and the Cleveland Indians.

But in their first day out on the diamond with the formerly taboo drugs coursing through their veins, the Tigers had an inauspicious showing, grinding out a discouraging series of weak grounders and pop-ups in a 7-1 loss to the Baltimore Orioles.

After the game, a concerned Mr. Selig told reporters, "If we determine that the Tigers were not taking their steroids as ordered, there will be serious consequences."

In hockey news, at Madison Square Garden last night several members of the New York Rangers brandished automatic weapons during the third period of their game against the Edmonton Oilers and sprayed the Oilers' goalie with gunfire.

All of their shots missed and the Oilers went on to win, 5-0.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz