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Jewish World Review March 9, 2004 / 16 Adar, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Angry gluttons march on McDonald's

Larda--es protest supersize phase-out | Angry gluttons staged an "eat-in" at a McDonald's flagship restaurant in Orlando, Florida today to protest the restaurant corporation's recent decision to phase out its so-called Supersize portions of French fries and colas.

The so-called "Million Man Munch" drew a crowd of approximately 300,000 gluttons and featured several rousing speeches, as well as a mile-long sundae bar with over four thousand fixins.

"I came for the sundae but I stayed to make a statement," said Toby Kovetch, a 32-year-old glutton from Shreveport, Louisiana. "McDonald's has been taking gluttons for granted for way too long, and this decision to get rid of Supersizing is just the latest and most egregious example."

The marchers, who spent over seven hours making the two-mile trek, were "peaceful but easily winded," one Orlando policeman said.

Shirlee Durkin, a prominent glutton who spends much of her time as a lobbyist for the sin of Gluttony on Capitol Hill, said that the march was "pound for pound the biggest protest demonstration in modern American history."

Ms. Durkin said that, in her capacity as a spokesman for Gluttony, she had recently reached out to representatives of Sloth, hoping to form a political action group representing two of the Seven Deadly Sins and some of McDonald's most important customers.

Many of the larda--es assembled seemed disappointed that Elton John, the blimp-like pop star whose presence the organizers had touted, did not join the corpulent protesters on their exhausting two-mile journey.

But a cheer went up from the sweaty crowd when celebrity glutton Elizabeth Taylor addressed the rally via satellite.

"When Elizabeth Taylor came up on that screen, it was huge," Ms. Durkin said.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz