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Jewish World Review March 3, 2004 / 10 Adar, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Kucinich vows to stay in race for free food

Pre-debate meals fuel long-shot quest | Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) confounded the conventional wisdom once more Tuesday night, telling reporters that he would stay in the race for the Democratic Presidential nomination “for the free food.”

Addressing reporters’ questions in Cleveland, Mr. Kucinich said, bluntly, “As long as they are serving free meals before the debates, as well as nachos and dip during the post-debate receptions, I see no reason to quit this race.”

Earlier in the evening, Mr. Kucinich rallied a small but enthusiastic group of Akron supporters by declaring, “We are strapping on the feedbag all the way to the Democratic convention in Boston!”

While admitting that he did not fare well in the delegate-rich contests known as “Super Tuesday,” Mr. Kucinich told reporters that he performed up to expectations in a different race, one that he defined as “Stupid Tuesday.”

“In order to do well on Stupid Tuesday, all I had to do was get enough votes to keep getting invited to the debates and thus qualify for free food,” Mr. Kucinich said.

Mr. Kucinich’s remarks raised hackles among the leaders of the Democratic National Committee, some of whom are considering forcing Mr. Kucinich out of the race by cutting off his supply of free food.

But doing so may be easier said than done, since, as one Kucinich aide warned last night, “As a vegan, Dennis can subsist on little more than water and paper.”

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz