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Jewish World Review March 2, 2004 / 9 Adar, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Unemployed Hobbits rob 7-Eleven

End of trilogy may spark crime wave, experts fear | Only moments after “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King” completed its clean sweep of the Academy Awards in Los Angeles Sunday night, two unemployed hobbits robbed a 7-Eleven in nearby Studio City, making off with over $300 and an assortment of bite-sized snacks.

“So much for the hobbits being gentle folk,” said Sgt. Ron McCloud of the LAPD’s Studio City division. “When those bastards are out of a job they’re a freaking menace to society.”

A spokesman for New Line Cinema, anxious to keep the hobbit robbery from casting a pall over the studio’s eleven-statuette sweep, denied that the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy’s coming to an end was solely responsible for the hobbits’ current high unemployment rate, reportedly hovering around 100%.

But Dr. Kevin Peterson, a professor of economics at the University of Minnesota, said that with tens of thousands of unemployed and embittered hobbits suddenly out of the street, “the situation is potentially an explosive one.”

“These hobbits have essentially been on the gravy train for the past five years,” Dr. Peterson said. “But the only skills they’ve developed are running through forests and popping out from behind trees, neither of which is terribly marketable in this economy.”

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. John Edwards (D-N.C.) picked up the theme today, telling a New York audience, “We are living in two Americas — one for the rich and privileged, and one for unemployed hobbits.”

In other Oscar news, experts said today that actress Diane Keaton’s style had now officially crossed over from Annie Hall to Hassidic rabbi.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz