Jewish World Review March 4, 2003 / 30 Adar I, 5763


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Consumer Reports

Powell continues 'saber rattling' in Pakistan interview | U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell continued his "bellicose, saber-rattling rhetoric" in an interview with Radio Pakistan this weekend,

according to a spokesman for the organization of peace-loving intellectuals, Win Without War.

Here are some excerpts from Mr. Powell's interview, followed by the Win Without War (WOW) interpretations of what he meant:

  • What Powell said: "We believe that war should be avoided, and we have been trying to avoid a war."
    What Powell meant: We are so thirsty for Iraqi blood I can't see straight. We must spill the blood of innocents, now!

  • What Powell said: "The United States does not want to go to war."
    What Powell meant: It's all about oil. If we can just get the Iraqi oil we'll be satisfied...for a while, anyway. When that runs out, we invade Russia. It's so much easier to spend billions on a war to get oil than it is to just buy it from eager sellers.

  • What Powell said:"...such conflict would be conducted in a way to minimize any damage or loss of life as much as possible, considering it is a conflict."
    What Powell meant: We'll be targetting the hospitals and elementary schools first in order to inflict maximum damage on unarmed civilians. We learned this from Saddam himself, and since it seems to have earned him the respect of some on the Security Council, we thought we would try it.

  • What Powell said: "...we are committed to the integrity of Iraq. We do not want to see Iraq break up into pieces..."
    What Powell meant: Our plan is to subdivide Iraq into 100-square-mile plots on which we'll build tract houses and shopping malls. Then we'll empty our crowded inner cities, shipping all their residents to our new 51 state, which we'll call Eerack.

  • What Powell said: "We come to help, we come to protect. We do not come to take life. We come to give better life to people of the nations that we have found it necessary to go and help."
    What Powell meant: We are a warrior nation, bent on conquest. We dream of the day when the sun never sets on the American empire.

JWR contributor Scott Ott publishes the satirical website, whose motto is "News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher." Comment by clicking here.


03/03/03: Daschle demands release of top al Qaeda operative
02/28/03: Rather to interview prez on same terms as Saddam
02/27/03: U.S. accepts Saddam's latest proposal
02/26/03: 'Win Without War' releases new talking points
02/25/03: Blix orders Iraq to destroy 'human shields'
02/24/03: Secret U.S. Plan for Cyber-War to Feature Windows XP
02/21/03: Gephardt insists he's really running for President
02/20/03: French President changes name to 'Chiraq'
02/19/03: Chirac offers new EU members 'Freedom of Silence'
02/18/03: Meteorologist Fired for "Positive" Snow Report

© 2003, Scott Ott