Learning to Live With a Little Fear

A mom wrote to me the other day saying that, guess what? Her kids are now teens, and she knows they'll make some imperfect decisions, because she made some, too, and all this adds up to ... worry.

"I totally get how bad that feels," she wrote. "But I think parents are on the wrong track." They're seeking peace of mind, but that just isn't in the cards — even with all of today's tracking apps. Perhaps especially with today's tracking apps, because they promise perfect safety but cannot deliver.

The only way for parents to feel a little better, the mom concluded, is for parents "to get comfortable with being a little nervous when their kids are out and about."

I found her note fascinating because it made me see the parallel between the quest for "perfect safety" and "peace of mind" — both impossible.

When we think that the only time we can let our kids have any independence is when we are CERTAIN nothing "bad" will happen, we can't give them that independence at all. There's a reason only 11% of kids walk to school these days, according to the National Household Travel Survey. "What if something bad happens on the way?" is the question we ask — or are told to ask — before we let them go.

The mere possibility of "something bad" happening is enough to trigger all sorts of discomfort. So we hustle the kids into the car. (Which, for the record, is where most child fatalities occur!)

The thing is: Once we think that peace of mind is something we CAN and MUST have, we are driven mad by our desire to achieve it.

So how can we reprogram ourselves?

One way is to remember, first and foremost, that the folks peddling "peace of mind" are really peddling fear, because fear sells. Their job is to scare you enough that you buy their product. Period.

Another way is to recognize that while we may tell ourselves this desire for absolute safety is for our children's sake, it's really for our OWN. We don't want to feel uncomfortable, and if that means our kids lose out on the joy and excitement that we relished at their age — from walking to the Dairy Queen or playing night tag — so be it.

How can we learn to live with the uncertainty that none of us enjoy? The age-old answer is simple:

Practice letting go and the fear lifts, at least a little. At the same time, our kids become a little more resilient and street-smart, which also helps lift our fear. It's a long process and at this point — my kids are now in their 20s — I am coming to realize it doesn't end. But it does get easier.

So take the bull by the horns. Starting today, let your child do something new, on their own, that they'd LIKE to do and that you're ALMOST comfortable letting them try. Teach them to cross the street safely and such, but then: Let go!

When kids come home flushed and giddy — or even a little worse for the wear but unbowed — the fear filling our hearts gets displaced by pride.

It's not quite peace of mind. But it makes it much easier to let the kids out the next time.

Framed this way, the tiny bit of risk inherent in all childhood, and all parenting, may become something we can live with ... for the sake of our kids.