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• President Trump signed an executive order Thursday designating Guantanamo Bay Naval Base a holding prison facility for arrested migrants in transit. In Pennsylvania the groundhog came out of his hole and saw his deportation order. He'd thought wearing a sombrero would get a laugh.
• Groundhog Day drew thousands to Pennsylvania to see if Punxatawney Phil could see his shadow to foretell winter's remaining length. I thought it was particularly brave of Phil to show up. If the groundhog knew the price of meat these days, he would never stick his head up out of the ground.
• Elon Musk returned to Washington, D.C., after his visit to Europe received a ton of bad press after Elon spoke in Berlin and urged Germans and Germany to get over their guilt for World War II. Nevertheless, let's get one thing straight, Elon Musk is NOT a Nazi. Nazis make really good cars.
• President Trump revoked exemptions for 600,000 illegal Venezuelans in the U.S. as the deportation numbers began to mount. The effects were immediate nationwide. Already Californians are forced to mow their own lawns and Springfield, Ohio, is overrun by stray cats and dogs.
• Bobby Kennedy underwent a Senate confirmation hearing Wednesday. Cousin Caroline Kennedy called him a predator and three women claim to have been in a relationship with Bobby just in the last year. If convicted in the court of public opinion, he could get 13-26 episodes as the Golden Bachelor.
• Tulsi Gabbard pointed to the collusion between the security state and the defense contractors in her Intel Director hearing. I once agreed to perform at a Lockheed-Martin banquet. I would have preferred them inviting me to be there by mail instead of by a visit from the FBI at four in the morning.
• FBI Director nominee Kash Patel sparred with Democratic senators at his confirmation hearing in the U.S. Senate Thursday. They argued angrily over the past use of the FBI to go after political opponents. Things got so chilly in the room Adam Schiff stayed warm by clutching his blanket pardon.
• Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg once and for all ended censorship on Facebook that had roiled civil libertarians. At the time of our Founding, a great man said freedom of speech is not only the natural privilege of liberty, it's also its support and preservation. Just our luck, it was King George III.
• The White House caused a panic on Monday by announcing a freeze on trillions in spending on federal grants and federal loans. Trump froze the money that people use to pay their bills and now I don't know what I'm going to do. If I don't get that money I won't be able to go to the Super Bowl.
• Bobby Kennedy in his HHS Secretary confirmation hearing listed the poisons in beer, soft drinks, candy, potato chips, pizza, fried chicken and Buffalo wings. His friends all had the same reaction to his testimony. I'd love to come to your Super Bowl party Bobby, but I've got to go see a man about a dog.
• The Kansas City Chiefs and the Philadelphia Eagles will meet in the Super Bowl in New Orleans amid tightened security and tourist advisories. When I was in college, my fraternity brothers and I were given one warning about the French Quarter. Never pick up a woman wearing a Super Bowl ring.
• The Wall Street Journal reported Tuesday that the Biden Administration gave the Taliban a $15 million grant for condoms for use by the Taliban. This was option #2. The condom delivery to the Taliban fighters became necessary after the U.S. was unable to convince the nanny goats to go on the pill.
• New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez got 11 years in prison for accepting bribes from Egypt. I have been guilty of that. Back in college in 1973 I went to Egypt on spring break and an Egyptian offered me six camels for my girlfriend, and I told him to throw in a pack of Marlboro Lights and he's got a deal.
• Al Sharpton arrived at a New York Costco store Monday to thank them for maintaining their DEI policies despite Trump's ban. The store is not just a bargain center. Costco is the safest place to be during a Zombie invasion because there's lots of food and nobody can get in without a membership card.
• The White House pulled out all the stops this week to try to get Kash Patel, Tulsi Gabbard and Bobby Kennedy confirmed. RFK Jr., who eats wildlife, may be the quirkiest nominee ever sent up to Capitol Hill for confirmation. Bobby Kennedy is in favor of the right to bear arms, with a side of fries.
• Bobby Kennedy encountered a lynch mob of Democratic Senators at his confirmation hearing on Wednesday where each one of them took turns shouting at him for five minutes at a time and they refused to let him reply. I wish the Senators would relax and realize we're all crazy. It' not a competition.
• White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt hosted her first press conference Tuesday. The next morning ABC's Women of the View trashed her for being a beautiful blonde. Wait just a minute, they've spent 10 years calling Trump a Nazi and they're surprised his spokeswoman is a blonde?
• White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt was asked at Tuesday's press briefing if Trump was responsible for the high price of eggs. She noted that Trump had been in office for only six days. The Gallup Poll out Monday asked Americans if inflation is affecting them, and 320% replied yes.
• The Pentagon reported that criminal illegal migrants will be housed at Guantanamo Bay Naval Base detention facility in Cuba to be processed and returned home. I don't know why they'd want to leave there. When the Republicans build a concentration camp it includes a golf course and soccer field.
• Secretary of State Marco Rubio urged Egypt to partner with the U.S. in trying to prevent Hamas from regaining control of Gaza. Here we go again. The State Department historically has one task to perform for the United States and that's to settle one war in a way that inevitably leads to the next one.
• President Trump signed an executive order establishing an Iron Dome space defense to protect the U.S. from Russia and North Korea's new hypersonic nuclear missiles. They can get from Russia to Los Angeles in forty minutes. That's faster than it takes a car to get to Los Angeles from Los Angeles.
• Health News magazine ran an article extolling the benefits of a diet heavy in fruits in order to aid the digestive system. There's a lot of information on this. A few months ago I decided to follow the advice that a banana a day cleans out your colon but then today I found out you're supposed to eat them.
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