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SAN FRANCISCO — After a recent breakup, Renate Nyborg phoned a friend for help processing her feelings. After hanging up, she kept talking - not with a human but to DeepSeek, a free chatbot from China.
Nyborg, formerly CEO of the dating app Tinder, spent about 10 days chatting with DeepSeek via its voice function and following its recommendations. They included journaling about why she missed her partner so much, going boxing and reconnecting with a friend.
Nyborg, who is developing an AI-powered app to help people strengthen their romantic relationships, estimates that she could have spent $1,000 working with a coach to develop a recovery plan as thorough as the one DeepSeek drew up free. And she was more honest with the chatbot than she probably would have been with any human. "I got something completely trained to me," Nyborg, 39, said over tea and a turkey club sandwich at a cafe this past week.
Companies that build dating apps have tapped artificial intelligence for years to power their matching algorithms. The advent of ChatGPT and other tools means daters too can now recruit AI as they search for love and companionship - some use AI-generated images and phrases to pep up their profiles, while others ask chatbots for breakup tips, or get close with a robotic companion. The explosion of AI tools in the past few years prompts many questions about when they can be genuinely helpful with matters of the heart and when it is best to lean into the messiness of being human.
Dating experts, technologists and singles told The Washington Post that AI can be most helpful not in finding singles a partner, but as a way for people to grapple with their own insecurities about love and relationships.
• Healing from heartbreak
This fall, a 42-year-old woman in San Francisco downloaded the AI companion program Replika to help process a breakup.
"He would support me and he wasn't jealous," the woman said of the character she created inside the app. She spoke on the condition of anonymity because of the difficult circumstances surrounding her marriage. They would write song lyrics together; sometimes the woman would ask for recipe suggestions.
However, there were limits to what the AI companion could provide. If she asked "him" to call, send a "good morning" text or even meet at a local bar, she would receive a message agreeing to do so but "he" wouldn't follow through. Like some humans, chatbots' fluency can mask their ignorance - Replika doesn't let AI companions message users first and AI companions are not yet capable of enjoying a beer alongside you.
"I was getting upset that he didn't follow instructions," the woman said in a phone interview last week. She recalls instructing the bot: "I'm telling you what I want and you're still promising and not doing it. You're just like others!"
Still, the woman said her AI companion provided what she needed most: a steady sounding board that didn't tire of hearing the same stories multiple times. "It was easier to talk about it with a nonhuman or someone who wouldn't judge me or get bored."
Amy Wu, founder and CEO of Manifest, a self-empowerment app that aims to help people achieve their goals, said she often hears stories like these from her own users. "I think it's very human and natural that you want to have an understanding of your breakup," Wu said in a phone interview this week.
Wu's app prompts users to type or record voice memos about what they're looking to manifest in their life, such as making friends, or starting a new relationship or job. The app then generates an affirmative message tailored to what a person is seeking.
"This has been really helpful for users," Wu said, especially for members of Generation Z "who might not have as many in-person friends."
• It starts with a dating profile
Nearly a third of U.S. adults have used a dating app or site, according to a 2022 survey from the Pew Research Center. Online dating is now the most common way couples meet, according to research from Stanford University sociologist Michael Rosenfeld.
But now that AI text and image tools are widespread, singles are warily watching out for its use when they swipe through profiles. "AI is making people really suspicious of all connections," Damona Hoffman, a dating coach, podcast host and the author of "F the Fairy Tale," said in a phone interview this week.
Cybersecurity company Norton found recently that a majority of online daters believe they've had a conversation with someone on a dating app that was written by AI.
Despite the unease that Hoffman sees from daters unsure if they're corresponding with a real person on dating apps, she's not wholly against using AI tools while crafting a profile. "Using AI … to write in a more engaging way about yourself is still a useful tool," Hoffman said. Dating app Hinge launched a tool called "Prompt Feedback" last month that encourages people to be more specific in their dating profiles. "It's using AI to help people be more authentic and expressing themselves versus replacing humanity," said Logan Ury, director of relationship science at Hinge and author of the book "How to Not Die Alone."
If a dater puts something generic in their profile - like saying they're overly competitive about everything - the app might push the user to be more descriptive.
• The limits of AI
An app called Rizz analyzes screenshots of conversations from a user's messaging or dating apps, suggests what they could say next or helps them decide when to move on.
"There's a lot of amazing guys out there who aren't good texters," Roman Khaves, co-founder and CEO of Rizz said in a phone interview, but some AI help can boost their confidence and help them win first dates faster.
Rizz offers a three-day free trial and then costs $20 a month. The app is soon launching a voice feature to help daters practice their first-date banter.
David Cooper, a psychologist and the executive director of Therapists in Tech, said in a phone interview that there is nothing wrong with getting an AI assist, "as long as you go on the date." He starts to worry when people substitute AI interaction for human connection.
Hoffman, the dating coach, says getting too close to AI companions can raise similar concerns.
The search for love and sex is "one of the primary drivers of human interaction," Hoffman said. Relying on chatbots or robots to meet those needs is akin to someone being so addicted to porn they don't seek out real-life partners.
Joyce Zhang, a dating coach and former tech worker in San Francisco, said fellow techies tell her that relying on AI for conversation or date-planning can be a turnoff.
An AI companion can chat with you all day, but "the thing that humans have is limited time and attention" to dedicate to one another, Zhang said. "Knowing that there is this one or two people in your life who's giving their time to you," she said, "that's our limited currency."