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In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General warned the country that we collectively are suffering from an "epidemic of loneliness." He claimed that the negative health effects of loneliness are on par with those of tobacco use and obesity. According to one recent survey, 20% of American adults report feeling loneliness "a lot of the day." A growing number of public-health officials see loneliness as the world's next critical public-health issue.
There are many factors contributing to the rise in loneliness. Technology brings people together online, yet paradoxically, it increasingly makes people feel lonely offline. Many feel overworked and too tired or busy to find time with others. Mental health challenges have driven people to isolate and be alone.
Some are alone by choice, but many are struggling with a loneliness brought on because of others. I was recently speaking to someone who is the caregiver for their spouse who has been experiencing a decline with her health and faculties. He described the pain and anguish of living with and watching his loved one struggle while attempting to navigating her care and support. That pain, he said, is truly compounded by the feelings of loneliness and abandonment from friends, neighbors, and even some family.
People are generally wonderful. At the moment of a diagnosis, crisis, or loss, we know how to rally, show up, offer meals, support and love. But then we tend to settle in, and too often move on. Nobody forgets about or neglects people they know or love on purpose or intentionally. Nobody thinks about something they could say that would be hurtful or insensitive. These situations are complicated, uncomfortable, and sometimes awkward. Sometimes people disappear because a situation hits too close to home. Sometimes it is because they subconsciously think the situation is contagious and could affect them next. Most often, because it is hard to know what to do or say, people simply withdraw.
In speaking to a few people who are caregivers to their loved ones, and with input from a therapist specializing in support, here are a few recommendations and directions emerged that can guide us all to be better:
REACH OUT — If isolation hurts, then contact and connection comfort and soothe. Don't just ask how the person struggling is doing, ask the caregiver how they themselves are holding up.
LISTEN & VALIDATE - One of the simplest and most profound ways to help a caregiver is not by doing anything active at all, just by simply listening. Be a friend, a compassionate listener, someone who will give full attention, someone who will provide comfort and not be judgmental.
DON'T - Our friends and family are not looking for us to have the answers or solutions. Don't offer platitudes or unsolicited advice. Avoid sharing stories about other caregivers or asking why they don't make certain decisions or place a loved one in a facility or choose another path of care.
CONSISTENCY — Don't reach out just once. Don't pledge or promise how you will always be there, and definitely don't say, "Don't hesitate to reach out if there is anything I can do to help." Consistency is key. Check in, follow up, show up, be available.
INVITE & INCLUDE — Don't assume someone's condition means they and their caregiver can't participate in a Shabbos meal or social event. Invite and include when possible and practical. If the caregiver has coverage or help, invite him or her to go out, to get together. Give them social contact that is "normal" and ordinary. Invite them to join at a shiur, shul program, community event, or anything else that lets the caregiver know you are thinking of them and want to spend time with them.
PRACTICAL HELP — The family caregiver has essentially begun taking on the responsibilities of two. Don't ask if you can help—just help. When you are heading to the supermarket, call or text and say, "I'm going out for groceries, what can I get you." Offer to take in or pick up their dry cleaners while taking care of your own. Drop off fruits and vegetables for no reason, just because you care. Whichever errand you choose, set expectations before you start. If you are planning to visit that is helpful and meaningful, but make sure to let the caregiver know when to expect you and how long you may stay.
The Torah describes that originally, man was created alone. However, the Divine quickly amends creation: "Lo tov heyos ha'Adom l'vado - It is not good for man to be alone." (Genesis 2:18) Aloneness leads to loneliness, and that, says the Divine, is not good.
Pirkei Avos (6:6) teaches that one of the 48 ways that Torah is acquired and lived is with dibuk chaveirim, friends who cling to one another. To be a friend is to not bail, or disappear, to not abandon or desert. True friendship includes dibuk, to cling which is the same word as devek, glue. Friends stick together and are glued to one another. Camaraderie is caring.
We can't necessarily resolve the health challenges and conditions of people we know and love. But we can inoculate our friends against the epidemic of loneliness. Show you care, stay connected, offer help when you can with specific tasks, and be consistent.
